I am a Tolkien fan (maybe even a fanatic), and thus, having been quite well pleased (see endnote) by the Lord of the Rings movies, I am already salivating thinking about the Hobbit movies.
Well, except that that plural troubles me. Movies. The first will be the actual book called “The Hobbit”; the second will be a bridge between it and the Lord of the Rings. There isn’t an actual book to base that second film on, and that brings an ugly, distasteful word into my pessimistic little mind —
Filler.
If that word doesn’t strike terror into your heart, consider Expanded Universe, Inspired By, Spin-Off, and similar yark-inducing red flags.
Still, the Hobbit film itself can be really, really good, as long as they don’t maul it too much. (I’ve written about this before, and mentioned romantic subplots. Blood chilly yet?) The film’ll be worth the wait and admission even if Smaug the Dragon’s the only thing they get right. (Directed by Guillermo del Toro, huh? I don’t know anything about him, but he seems to have a nice reputation. No Uwe Boll.)
And there are parts of the Hobbit which could be magic — pure magic — if done correctly: grim Beorn, cold and haughty Elvenking, Bard staggering out of the lake, Smaug conversing with Bilbo — pure magic, if done well. Even the slow croaking of the talking birds could be, if I may use a youthful idiom, awesome. I see no reason to buy straitjackets yet; the film just may turn out well.
But the second film — what, Hobbit of the Rings: The Continuing Adventures of Bilbo Baggins? Surely not; there’s nothing in Tolkien to fuel another hobbit film.
There are other characters, then: Aragorn and Gandalf spring to mind. The Appendices of the Lord of the Rings (strangely enough, my overall favorite part of the book), especially the Tale of Years, have some nice bits.
While the Hobbit happens, the White Council (read wizards and elves) drive the Necromancer, good ol’ Sauron, out of Mirkwood’s Dol Guldur. I have no idea what “drive out” means; I haven’t seen it explained anywhere: armies? magic? pure presence? stink bombs?
Sauron returns to Mordor, but soon after sends a couple of Nazgul, the lovely Ringwraiths, to retake the dark hill-fortress of Mirkwood, the witch tower Dol Guldur, and they do. Sauron reveals himself (not sexually, though), and an elf-raised human boy called Estel is told that he’s the heir of Isildur, Sauron’s enemy.
A bit of a bummer for Estel, really.
The film could be just Estel-Aragorn running around, growing, and developing a tiresome romantic subplot. Or then “Aragorn undertakes his great journeys and errantries”, while Mount Doom begins to belch fire and smoke once again. The only material about these “journeys and errantries” is, I think, a mention that Aragorn served in Rohan, and in Gondor under steward Denethor’s father, using a false name, and after leading a raid on Umbar disappeared.
But if they invent a tenth Nazgul to oppose Aragorn — well, then I shall be forced to leave horseheads in certain beds. (I’m willing to accept a strictly Umbar-based Black Numenorean, though. This is an offer you can’t refuse, moviemakers — capisch?)
Then again, the film could be a Cloverfield-like three-hour swamp crawl with good ol’ Gollum — “Baggins! We hates it! We hates it forev — pretty fisssshes! Nom nom nom! Run away from the orcses! Run away from the elvses! I can has precioussss?”
Eh, better not.
Then again — and this is a subplot I’d actually and really like to see — the film could recycle an actor from the Hobbit, and have Balin re-establishing, for a brief while, a dwarven kingdom in Moria. I’m not saying that because I want to see the balrog again (I thought it was a bit too bulky and beasty), but because I like tragedies.
Ah well; I’m willing to sit and trust the makers. They know there will be lots of horsehead deliveries if they fail; that should motivate them enough.
And, oh, now we just have to fear for years a romantic subplot involving Orlando Bloom as Legolas.
* * *
Endnote: “Quite well pleased with Jackson’s Lord of the Rings movies”
A couple of exceptions. Denethor was played well but written to be an irritatingly “evil” character; and that unspeakably stupid run-a-mile and plunge-down-the-cliff ending of his? Useless and charmless.
Battle of the Fields of Pelennor. Where were the Easterlings and the Southrons? I suppose someone might have thought the fight too difficult to follow otherwise; but I really wanted to see the scimitars shining “like a glitter of stars”, and the black serpent-flag being struck down. (And no, the mumak-riders don’t count. I wanted infantry and real cavalry!)
Then there are those other deviations that annoyed — not all of them did, of course, but some did — but it’s better that I stop here before I descend into the grim territory of moaning just for the perverse fun of it.
