Once upon a time I got fed up with TV, and started jotting down ideas for commercials, TV shows and such that would be really insultingly dumb.
After a few months I noticed I could describe the ideas just as well as “something that ain’t so very unlikely to be on TV a few years from now”.
The original was in Finnish, but below is the first third of those parts that could be translated to English.
(And oh, NaNoWrimo is at around 9 600 / 50 000 words, and the connection of Scottish fold cats to sinister post-apocalyptic scenarios has been debated therein.)
On with the BAD TELEVISION OF THE NEAR FUTURE!
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The next reality television shock-masterpiece: Granny Torture!
If you are female and over 50, or a convincing crossdresser, sign up now!
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When you call a friend, and all that you hear in answer is a heavy breather — consider improving your social skills.
Psychiatry- and paintball-clinic Weisshaupt.
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Cannibal Food Shop — 100% Freely Donated French Meat!
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The Slammer — even more reality TV! How can our contestants survive as inmates in a real prison, amidst all kinds of rapists and murderers? Who will win the million-dollar prize?
Person one: “Yup… I sort of killed my girlfriend. Made myself a belt of her guts. That’s why I am here. How about you, baby face?”
Person two: “I— I just wanted a million dollars.”
Person one: “Oh, don’t we all.”
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“One death is a tragedy. One million deaths are just statistics.” (Josef Stalin)
This message has been approved by the University of Helsinki Department of Mathematics and Statistics. Come, study, die inside.
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“The horror! Bite! He bit Fred! There are still people inside! Help!”
Documentary for today — “One cough too many: how a lecturer went over the edge”.
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A movie trailer.
Trailer voice guy: Based on a true story… The legend of a heroic prime minister of Greater-Britain…
A metallic gun-loading sound. Footsteps. An explosion.
Voice: Only one man could stop the war… by defeating one man.
The steps stop. We see a snappily dressed British gent raising the gun towards a trembling uniformed German with a silly moustache.
The Brit speaks: “Peace for our time!”
The screen goes black; then there is the sound of a gunshot, and the title: “CHAMBERLAIN”.
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Six straight guys and a sheep — wild antics will ensue!
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Our movie for tonight:
The Bag — when a man just couldn’t get it off his back.
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Now with zero percent nutrients — Famish Zero!
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A hick. Another walks in. The first speaks while the second adjusts his trousers.
“Didja remember to flush the privy, Bob?”
The second answers.
“Goshdarn I didn’t, Billy-Bob. A moment.”
The second hick walks off-screen; the sound of a pushed-over and falling, then disintegrating outhouse is heard.
The first hick blinks, slowly.
“Awright, Bob, you can’t flush an outhouse, an’ I did say ‘flush’ an’ not ‘push’, so you be a double darn fool today.”
Global Information Technologies Language Course Immersement — sign up now, and avoid awkward misunderstandings!
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All animals have a right to life — even the ugly and disgusting ones.
Adopt a cockroach today!
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Promo for the medical series “ICU”.
“What? You’re, like, having some medical attack stuff, huh? No way I’m getting my nice white nurse uniform splattered with that. Just keep on flailin’ and pukin’ by yourself.”
“What?”
“Of course I’m what a nurse is supposed to be. This is, after all, the Insensitive Care Unit. Geddit?”
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The Mad Cow Disease was a cover-up.
Don’t go to the cow pastures alone.
They can leap —
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The beginning credits for your typical daytime drama show.
Then the title.
“Stephen King’s THEY SEEMED ALMOST HUMAN”
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Shaman: “Has graduated. Is student-life over. Cannot heal. Cannot help. Cannot give student-life back; cannot make student-alive; must make student-undead instead… GRADUATE SCHOOL!”
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“Oh, hi, darling. I was just… just lying on the bed… um, with… um, this is my sister.”
“Oh, really?”
“Yes. Just call this number and ask; they’ll tell you that’s what she is.”
Panic Lie Phone Number Incorporated. We help when your own credibility just isn’t enough.
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Nine out of ten professional wrestlers recommend Fangjut toothpaste!
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Hello. I am Jürgen Korhonen. You have heard about me, I think.
I can rip small animals apart with my bare hands.
I can pull cars with my teeth.
I can juggle with concrete balls.
I recommend Yo-Hurt, a jogurt with 30% lamb blood.
This is Jürgen Korhonen out.
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More tomorrow!
