On with the BAD TELEVISION OF THE NEAR FUTURE!
(Part one is here.)
* * *
One day Greg took up an axe and killed his cat, and then his family.
Greg is sad.
(Greg sobs.)
Don’t be like Greg: use Gorillamax shampoo!
* * *
“I really like Joan — but how can I know she’s the right one for me?”
Watson Incorporated — we’ll find out the intimate details of those you want to get intimate with!
* * *
A car on a road, all new and shiny. Curves and roars in the best car commercial style.
Then a giganhumongous explosion; bye-bye car.
“Mishima Heavy Military Industries. Wrath instead of Envy.”
* * *
Tonight in Runge’s Phenomenon, hosted by your very own Kai “Media Darling” Runge — we meet one of today’s most controversial mathematicians, Jacob Bernoulli, who has proven that he ain’t dead yet!
Also in a member of the German Association of Scientific Rigour, Kleinmann Grosssohn, who asserts that Bernoulli’s conjecture is wrong, his proof is faulty, and it is possibly even written by someone else!
A furious catfight will ensue! No function nor integral will be safe from the fury… in Runge’s Phenomenon!
* * *
A man walks into a sauna, carrying a ladle.
Then another, with the traditional bunch of self-flagellation birch twigs.
Then a third, with an axe.
“Why worry? Medicenter can fix ya!”
* * *
“This heinous act of killing occurs every summer in Finland… again and again and again… every man, woman and child murders without a second thought, with their own hands crushing animal life, killing and destroying…”
“It might seem like a mosquito to you, but to me it’s a cute widdle animal.”
“Don’t kill it.”
* * *
Now in stores — mathematical heavy metal music!
Fluxion!
Subadditive!
Ill-Conditioned Problems!
Iteration!
Prime!
And… The Compact!
* * *
Two thugs. One is Finnish, and speaks.
“Tis is veri tull to just stant arount here. Ve koult talk. Vhy ton’t jou ax me sometink?”
The second blinks, whips out an ax, and whacks the other.
Global Information Technologies Language Course Immersement — sign up now, and avoid awkward misunderstandings!
* * *
If your loved one seems distant and stressed, difficult to relate to and always angry…
The fault’s probably in you.
Psychiatry- and paintball-clinic Weisshaupt.
* * *
Altenheim Berghof : JUGENDFREI
(note: this is simultaneously the best and the worst joke I’ve ever invented. —MoE)
* * *
Shocking Internet Execution Video!
Finnish Extreme Animal Liberation Front says more hamsters will lose their heads unless all pets are let go!
* * *
I-Dolls 7 is over — meet Finland’s newest Archbishop, whole-time crowd favorite and judges’ second choice Pekka!
* * *
Ecumenicism in crisis — talks between Catholics and Satanists fail!
* * *
US Army tells it has neutralized at least half a million potential suicide bomber terrorists in Iraq in the new countrywide “Freedom, Scheedom” campaign of indiscriminate aerial bombardment!
* * *
“So, how do I look, dahling?”
“Absolutely hideous.”
“What?”
“Quite hideous indeed. The most hideous thing I’ve ever… Fabulous! I meant fabulous! Put the knife away, honey!”
Global Information Technologies Language Course Immersement — sign up now, and avoid awkward misunderstandings!
* * *
Sexchange Students.
A foreign land, and foreign… parts.
* * *
A yokel juggles with three balls; after a few seconds all goes banana-shaped and the balls fly every which way.
The yokel takes out a trio of knives, and throws up the first.
“Why worry? Medicenter can fix ya!”
* * *
Two yahoos in a cityscape — Helsinki, Finland’s fair capital. They gawk at a white line on the cobbles and a curious plaque. One shouts.
“What the ever-bleeding excrement does Finland’s eastern border do in the middle of the Senate Square?”
“Koiranpää Moving — We move anything.”
* * *
“Helsinki… calm… civilized… peaceful… pristine… beautiful… Helsinki, the White City of the Baltic Sea.”
* * *
Martial background music.
“In der Kity of Helsinki in January will organized be der Sekond Symposium with der Headink ‘Only der White Race has der Right to Leben-Live!’ — remember, Helsinki, der White Kity of der Baltik Zea!”
* * *
You can be beautiful, too.
Martinsen’s salt peanuts.
* * *
The third part of the trilogy — tomorrow!
