On with the BAD TELEVISION OF THE NEAR FUTURE!
* * *
TV addiction? It’s true! And it’s a problem! Order now our DVD “Away from TV, kick the addiction!”
* * *
TV addiction? It’s no problem! Order now our DVD “TV addiction — that’s not what you’ve got!”, number 13 in our series “How to accept things you can’t be bothered to overcome”.
* * *
Manly college malefolk and young handsome nerds — watch STUD.NET!
* * *
A close-up of cow udders.
They jiggle.
“Does this look like a drink factory? Huh? Support the Universal Natural Liberation Front of Judea, and stop animal abuse!”
* * *
Three people in an elevator.
The leftmost one, a man, speaks: “I wear female underwear. Just sayin’.”
The rightmost one, a woman: “Popular Mechanics is such a fascinating publication. Just sayin’.”
The one in the middle screams.
“If he or she seems unusual or weird, the fault’s probably in you.”
Psychiatry- and paintball-clinic Weisshaupt.
* * *
This is not a subliminal message.
This is not a subliminal message.
This is not a subliminal message.
This is not a subliminal message.
This is not a subliminal message.
Come study here.
University of Helsinki, Dept. of Psychology.
* * *
A lumberjack talks to the camera.
“I think there are ways of making this business o’ mine much quicker.”
Then the camera zooms out; the jack takes up two chainsaws, one in each hand, bites down on the ripcords of both, and prepares to yank them on.
“Why worry? Medicenter can fix ya!”
* * *
A movie teaser.
A dark corridor, then a dark courtyard. Slowly creeping, slinking stealthy figures.
Then an alarm blares; searchlights and sirens. The slinkers panic and run — or rather limp, hop and silly-walk furiously.
“Escape from the Rheum Ward!”
* * *
Mass discounts from a funeral home?
* * *
Two surly men in black suits, wiping foots and taking their hats off. One grunts: “Well, now uncle’s finally dead and buried. Good riddance.”
The other opens the living room door and curses in shock: “Uncle! Whaddahe doin’ here?”
“Koiranpää Moving — We move anything.”
* * *
“When I heard the voices of rabbit spirits in my dream I knew I was immortal…”
Everyone deserves a biography. PublishSelf!
* * *
Everyone wants love.
Martinsen’s salt peanuts.
* * *
“Woke up. Went to work. Came back. Watched American Idol. Slept. Woke up. Went to work. Came back. Watched American Idol. Slept. Woke up. Went to work. Came back. Watched American Idol. Slept. Woke up. Went to work. Came back. Watched American Idol. Slept. Woke up. Went to work. Came back. Watched American Idol. Slept.”
Everyone deserves a biography. PublishSelf!
* * *
Unlike every other brand of bread, Korhonen’s all-natural rye bread has been scientifically tested and found to contain no thalidomide at all!
* * *
Trend-socks.
Get girls and fame.
* * *
“Since selling used tanks to private citizens is illegal, Mishina Heavy Military Industries isn’t offering this batch of 50-ton Russia Smert IV panzer assault vehicles with 50-millimetre main guns for dirt cheap prices!”
“Don’t call the following number for more details!”
* * *
100% of smokers DIE!
* * *
There is a certain statistical probability of you dying within five minutes of lighting up that cigarette.
Are you willing to live with the risk?
* * *
Smoking kills.
Fred has an axe and a short temper, you know.
* * *
Smoking is just distributed-payment suicide.
Euthanasia Goodbye — we have better deals.
* * *
Crunchymax Muesli — buy it or say goodbye to your pets.
You answered the questionnaire and so we now know where you live.
* * *
Love and honor your father and mother.
Martinsen’s salt peanuts.
* * *
Harry Potter and the Silence of the Lambs.
Who’s teaching Defence Against the Dark Arts now?
* * *
Larry’s Used Car Emporium. What drives out that arch won’t drive back for a replacement.
* * *
A cemetery.
“Hundreds of satisfied customers. Euthanasia Goodbye.”
* * *
There are times and places when human endurance is stretched to its very limits…
When heroes are separated from the chaff…
When the tough stay, and the weak get going…
Dachau… Sahara… New Jersey… and one test starker and grimmer than any of them…
(And hosted by the former professional wrestler and political vigilante Jürgen Korhonen…)
Survivor: The Lecture That Just Wouldn’t End — can you watch it?
* * *
Are you a man? Do you want to show it?
Refresh-drink Total Bull — you ain’t a man before you can drink it without screaming like a little girl!
Now with 10% more ground glass!
* * *
Endnote: This series contains discreet Monty Python, Illuminatus! and All Purpose Cultural Cat Girl Nuku-Nuku references.
And this is but a pale shadow of the horrors you will see in your TV set a few years from now; of that I am certain.
Fnord.
