A card for the cult

Pharyngula had a post on the God Trumps trumped up by a British magazine called the New Humanist: a set of cards representing the major religions of the world.

Since one faith was inexplicably and eldritchly lacking, hinting at sinister and unspeakable machinations among the card-letterers of that eerie, mystery-shrouded viridian isle, that cradle of ancient Roman sin, I left one additional card as a comment there; and since that idea turned out rather well, here’s the card —

* * *

CULT OF CTHULHU

Age: Meaningless. The Old Ones have always been and will always be, and once you see them you won’t worry about such trivial things as time either — there will be entirely different Things to be worried about. (?/10)

Wealth: All spent on HPL Historical Society audio dramas. The Necronomicon doesn’t seem to have a spell for wealth — well, except for a wealth of shoggoths, which won’t make your creditors happy. (1/10)

Follower dedication: Cthulhu-themed words for Christmas carols, Lolthulhu, Japanese pictures. (4/10)

Daffiest doctrine: Um, Great Cthulhu and the Other Gods are evil, cruel and vicious beings (Totally different from all other religions!), but rather than being actively malicious they just don’t care about you. They’re a bit like Microsoft, actually. (2/10)

Weapon of choice: A 1880 copy of Webster’s, with words of more than six syllables shakily underlined. A margin note says ‘I have seen the Old Ones! There is no space and no time, and it is coming through the window even as I writ—’, followed by a drop of blood. (8/10)

Easily offended? Not at all! Those who we don’t like will be kept safe and cozy to witness the full awfulness of the Coming of the Eldritch-Gibbous Elder Gods! Then the cultists will be eaten first, and the others left to slowly perish under the pseudopod feet of the implacable Tsathoggua, Shub-Niggurath et al. (0/10)

* * *

Short note: NaNoWriMo at 35 500 / 50 000.