A typical Finnish song

No, not a real song, but if you imagine this sung to the tune of a tango or in some other mournful mode, you get a quite accurate picture of what Finnish music tends to be. (When it’s not out-Britneying Britney, or ruling the world with heavy metal fists, that is.)

Well, except that typical Finnish songs tends to be a bit less, um, facetious than this.

Note that if some bit seems unsingable, it’s meant to be sung looo-oong, since obviously I don’t make mistaks.

Now, on with the tango of darkness and gloom!

A Typical Finnish Man

I was born in the tiniest of villages,
Ended up here in the coldest of cities,
I was an eager, hardworking, brave youth —
Guess it tells I knew nothing about life

(sobs and crying are heard)

I’m grown up now, and grown sideways too
No exercise for me, just grease and some TV
I still cry daily, helped by tons of cheap booze
My wife did not approve, what did she do?

She left me, she is gone
Cat bit me, cat now gone
No money, I’m all broke
The house, it did burn down

My lady left me, then my dog left me,
My car left me, the police said forget it;
No money, no job, no house, oh no —
And now my cat died; oh, the funeral costs!

The world is a dark and terrible place
With no respite, no light, no care
The priest mutters empty phrases
And I feel guilty and out of place
Though it’s my cat he’s praying fooo-oor

She left me, she is gone
Reaper man, drinking with me
No money, I’m all broke
Repo man, behind the flimsy door

So here’s a cup to the lost ones,
A cup to the hopeless and downtrodden
There is no hope, but there’s oblivion
A moment of solace in drink, and in rage —

(incoherent gibbering and screaming)

Sodden with drink, dripping with hate,
I come to you, to your new fancy place,
Bottle in one hand, some liquid courage,
Axe in the other, let’s see your heart now!

She left me, she is gone
She run away, run away from me
So I sit down, and rummage in your fridge,
While sirens blare and the police gets close

(sounds of altercation)

She left me, she is gone
Police hit me, broke a bone
No money, sir judge, I’ve got none
Such a shame, how did it come to this?
Song now over, the world is to blame

Shorter typical Finnish song: Everything sucks, and nothing can be done about it. Then you die.

This mode of music is known as realism.