Print this out; paste next to your door; use a magnet or a pin to indicate your current status. Good for all academically employed persons.
* * *
HI! I,
Dr. / Mr. / Ms. / Mrs. / no sexist identifier
_____________
(M.D. / J.D. / M.Sc. / Ph.D. / inferior degree)
AM RIGHT NOW …
- Gone to eat. Where: ________ What/With whom: ________
- At a library. Which one: ________
- Visiting the bicycle repairman. Reason: pedals / chain / frame / lights / tires / this moving thing.
- At home. Moping.
- Sniffing glue. Brand: ________ Any good? ________
- This job has been outsourced to Whizz-Bang Academic Works; call ________ for more. (1.66 / min)
- Being scolded by the dept. chair.
- Being scolded by the dean.
- Being scolded by the chancellor / rector / university president / secretary of education / UN Secretary-General. (Holy shit! / No big deal.)
- Did an Andre Bloch / Ted Kaczynski. Sorry, y’all.
- Gone to the doctor to talk about: shaky hand / droning voice / ails of age / bad eyesight / elbow patches / general drabness.
- Gone to the head doctor to talk about: kleptomania / pyromania / trichotillomania / uncontrollable rages / creepy dreams / overhead projector fetish.
- Had a sudden idea. If you hear screams from the biology dept. animal wing, it’s me. It might work this time.
- Being viciously molested by flying monkeys. Failure / success.
- Seminar in room ________ about ________; I’ll be speaking / listening / asking questions / snoring / sniggering / doing the Nelson Muntz.
- Bullying students. Room: ________ Course: ________
- A matter of law. Specifically: juror / defendant / plaintiff / judge / pulling the switch / on the lam.
- Gone to buy discount cat food for self.
- Ramen mass discount at ________!!!
- Conference in ________; I’ll be back _____ and sober _____.
- I’m in; go away.
- I’m in; do not disturb. (Seriously. You could get hurt.)
- I’m in; but the only words you would get out of me would be incoherent screams of frustration and rage, and voluminous streams of bloody spit. Ask for more: dept. chairman / dean / dentist / spouse
- I’m in; abandon all hope, ye who enter here.
