About Eris the Planet

“Planet? What blasphemy is this? Dwarf planet, you fool!”

“She prefers the term ‘midget planet’, if you absolutely must.”

“What ‘she’? Are you seriously anthropomorphisising a hunk of rock 2600 kilometers across?”

“A lass of rock. Planets like Mars, clearly masculine male objects, are ‘hunks’ of rock. But I appreciate the admiring sentiment.”

“Stop this planet nonsense. Dwarf planets are not a subdivision of planets; they’re an entirely separate category.”

“That’s planetism.”

“What?”

“Sure, you’re all for the big dogs of the Solar System, round heavy rollers like Jupiter and Saturn, who get their path swept clear for them and all so they won’t get bothered by nothing. What about the downtrodden small guys, huh? Is it too much to ask for just a little bit of sympathy?”

“I —”

“Sure, blame her. Everyone does that. ‘Oh, she came along, the lady of Discord and Heated Discussions, and now everyone’s up in arms about what’s a planet and poor Pluto is just crushed — won’t someone think of the plutoids? Won’t someone please think of the plutoids?’ Everyone says that. Sure, blame the starry messenger! And the fat cats of the Solar System keep their planet status for themselves — we wouldn’t be having this discussion if the IAU was headquartered on Pluto, would we?”

“Well, that’s a highly hypothetical —”

“No we wouldn’t! We would have planets, planets, planets as far as the eye can see! Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Ceres, Randi, Plait, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto, Haumea, Kwisatz, Haderach, Makemake, Jesus, Eris, Yibb-Tstll, Hastur, Hastur, Hastur — hundreds and hundreds of planets, all metaphorically linking hands in one great harmonious music of the spheres! You can download the anthem for 99 cents, but it has DRM. It plays once, then bricks your computer.”

“Listen! That’s chaos and anarchy! You would have children needing a book just to memorize the planets! And half of those aren’t big enough objects anyway.”

“Oh, it’s sizeism now? Sock it to the dwarf planet, huh? You’re always moaning how children don’t read no more — well, here’s one proposed book and you’re all in arms against it! Besides, think of the commercial possibilities!”

“I think one of us has lost her grip on reality.”

“Why not both? Anyway, if you just were more lenient with your definition of a planet, allowed a bit smaller objects, Pepsi could launch its ‘Maximum Taste Planet Sponsored by Pepsi’ probe into solar orbit… think of it! Mercury, Venus, Maximum Taste Planet Sponsored by Pepsi, Earth!”

“Do the words ‘crass commercialism’ sound familiar?”

“Oh, this coming from the heirs of Galileo, whose idea of scientific impartiality was to name the moons of Jupiter after the children of his wealthy patron: Ganymede, Callisto, Io and Europa de Medici! And what about the 1967 NASA memorandum?”

“Wait, what?”

“And I quote: ‘In the light of the recent events in Greece, to which this administration does not wish to draw unnecessary attention, it is thereby resolved that new Solar System objects be named after American men of great renown.’ We were a breath away from having Lyndon B. Johnson orbiting Saturn!”

“I’ve never heard about that!”

“Well, ignorance of history doesn’t make history go away. And ignorance of law doesn’t make you any less a lawbreaker. By the laws of debate I’ve won.”

“What — what law? Explain yourself, you Eridian hooligan!”

“I prefer the term ‘Eristic exciter’. Anyhow, do you have any further comments on the title? Or the content?”

“What content?”

* * *

An “Eristic debate” is, or so I hear, one where the goal is a victory by (m)any means, not clarification of matters. The above is my attempt to simulate such.

If you did not seek that, but stumbled here to find your daily astronomy podcast (and there indeed is such a thing) you should now proceed to 365 Days of Astronomy.