I’ve had a copy of Microsoft Messenger or the equivalent for family communication for years — I can’t say it more exact than that, but long enough to use a lot of “flavor texts”, fillers for the short text space that some people apparently use to tell where they are, how they are doing, and so on.
Below’s the long record of those one-liners, minus the ones that would be incomprehensible, in strict chronological order from the oldest to the most current. Those that are in Finnish I’ve translated.
Most are Internet-oneliners, some are quotes, some few are my own work. The only ones that need a hint are the four riffs on Monty Python’s phrasebook sketch; and you can quite safely assume that those you don’t get are Python as well.
You shouldn’t think I know or agree with a person if you see a quote here. Hey, you shouldn’t even think I know or care about the sources of these.
* * *
“Trained attack lobsters!” (Ranma 1/2, representative quote)
The fear of sponge-cats is the beginning of wisdom.
I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.
Remember, a truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
You say psycho like it’s a bad thing…
I’m not insensitive, I’m political-correctness challenged.
Falls don’t kill people. It’s the deceleration trauma.
“Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.” — M.C. Reed
Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do!
It is better to be mad in everyone’s eyes than sane in your own.
This message has been cruelly tested on cute furry little animals.
The secret of life is…. )&%Fe@1+=>/x.\#g. NO CARRIER
I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
“Seven days without laughter makes one weak.” — Mort Walker
“We do not have to visit a madhouse to find disordered minds; our planet is the mental institution of the universe.” — (Johann Wolfgang Von) Goethe
“A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension.” — Mandelbrot, The Fractal Geometry of Nature
“Don’t worry over what other people are thinking about you. They’re too busy worrying over what you are thinking of them.” — Edelstein’s Advice
“All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind.” — Aristotle
You spent most of your money on beer and women, the rest you wasted.
“Food is an important part of a balanced diet.” — Fran Lebowitz
Min svävare är full av ålar.
Mein Luftkissenfahrzeug ist mit Aalen voll.
Watashi no hobakurafuto wa unagi ga ippai desu.
“Now I’m not saying we wouldn’t get our hair mussed, but I am saying no more than 10 to 20 million killed. Tops!”
“Mein Führer, I can walk!”
Growing old is mandatory, however, growing up is optional.
Feudalism — it’s your count that votes!
“I don’t like Mondays.” — Brenda Ann Spencer
“Minulla ja hullulla on vain yksi ero: minä en ole hullu.” –Salvador Dali (Finnish; “The difference between a lunatic and I is that I am not a lunatic.”)
Understanding is not required, only obedience.
Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! … Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.
A small indication of big trouble ahead: The tip of the scheisseberg.
Cats: Aliens that took over the Earth millennia ago.
Computers 101: Hardware is the part of a computer system you can kick. Software is what makes you want to kick the hardware.
Mai hobaakurafuto izu furu obu iiruzu.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
Press CTRL-ALT-DEL for more information.
Smile, and the whole world thinks you’re laughing at them.
“I just want you to know that, when we talk about war, we’re really talking about peace.” — GWB
The word “politics” is derived from the word “poly”, meaning “many”, and the word “ticks”, meaning “blood sucking parasites”.
“No statement should be believed because it is made by an authority.” — Robert A. Heinlein
It has been said that nothing is impossible; yet there are many people doing nothing every day.
Romanes Eunt Domus
“Missä on ihmisiä, siellä on ongelmia. Jos ei ole ihmisiä, ei ole ongelmia.” — Stalin (Finnish; “Where you have people, you have problems. No people… no problems.”)
He who confesses to small faults hopes you’ll think he has no big ones.
“Coffee should be black as hell, strong as death, and sweet as love.” — Turkish Proverb
Talk to the hand ’cause the face ain’t listening.
What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.
“I am never bored anywhere: being bored is an insult to oneself.” — Jules Renard
“It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them.” — Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)
Is there another word for synonym?
Everyone thinks I’m psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
“Call it a hunch.” — Quasimodo
I brake for faeries, elves, gnomes, leprechauns, and other invisible creatures that only I can see.
GOVT.SYS corrupt – (R)ecall, (R)ebel, (E)ject.
CYNIC n. A blackguard whose faulty vision causes him to see things as they are, not as they ought to be.
“A committee is the only known form of life with a hundred bellies and no brain.” — Robert A. Heinlein
Q: What do you get when you cross a pitbull with a cattle prod? A: Bitten.
“I reject your reality and substitute my own!” — Adam Savage
“If we don’t believe in freedom of expression for people we despise, we don’t believe in it at all.” — Noam Chomsky
Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
Among the runners finishing last was an older man wearing a T-shirt that proclaimed ‘Abominably Slow Man.’
A clean, neat, and orderly desk is a sure sign of a sick mind.
As they say about Dungeons and Dragons, “Life’s a die, and then you bitch.”
If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.
How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
“They couldn’t hit an elephant at this dist…” — John Sedgwick, Union Army General in the American Civil War, last words
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
Who’s General Failure and why is he reading my disk?
You don’t have to be crazy to live on this planet — but it helps.
If God had meant us to be nudists, we all would have been born buck naked.
Q: “How many tentacles has Great Cthulhu got?” A: “Too many.”
Pain looks good on other people; that’s what they’re for.
Kill two birds with one stone. Feed the homeless to the hungry.
You mean you need drugs to hallucinate?
Cthulhu saves. He might get hungry later.
Dare to be statistically infrequent.
Who loathes you, and who do you love? CTHULHU!
If Cthulhu calls… let the machine pick it up.
The Day. (I have no idea which day it was. —MoE)
It’s an Elder Thing — you wouldn’t understand.
“If you give me six lines written by the most honest man, I will find something in them to hang him.” — Cardinal de Richelieu
Life size models of Cthulhu, on sale now!
Is cephalgia giving you headache?
Do not call up that which you cannot put on hold.
Jake liked his women how he liked his kiwi fruit; firm yet yielding, sweet yet tart, and covered with short fuzzy brown hair.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
It was beauty killed the beast.
“You’re good… but me, I’m magic.”
Only dead fishes go with the flow.
Portions of the preceding were recorded. As for the rest of it, I’m very much afraid it was all in your mind.
Taxi! Follow that ape!
If you can’t see the fnords, they can’t eat you.
The man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed.
John McClane is about to have a very bad day.
It feels great to wake up and not know what day it is, doesn’t it?
Beyond good and evil lies North Dakota.
Nemo saltat sorbius, nisi infanus est. (In Finnish “Kukaan ei tanssi selvinpäin ellei ole hullu”; in English “No-one dances sober except the mad” — I personally think this is a deep truth.)
There’s only one creature in the world that could have done this… the Abominable Snowman.
Heute die Welt, Morgens das Sonnensystem!
Sinulla oli tavalliset aivot mutta ajattelit itse… (a striking quote from an Ultra Bra (a Finnish band) song; “You had an ordinary brain but you thought for yourself”)
Freedom is just a hallucination created by a pathological lack of paranoia.
Inessiivi, elatiivi, illatiivi, adessiivi, ablatiivi, allatiivi, essiivi, abessiivi, komitatiivi… Learn Finnish – it’s fun! (Some Finnish noun cases; after these, things get really hairy.)
“If a cluttered desk signs a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?” — Albert Einstein
All hail Discordia
I’m here because I’m not all there.
“A mathematician is a machine for turning coffee into theorems.” — Paul Erdös
Greetings, Carbon-Based Bipeds!
“People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.” –Dan Quayle, Vice President of the United States
I understand “stressed.” It’s “desserts” backwards.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
We are now the Knights Who Go Neeeow … wum … ping!
Windows: just another pane in the glass.
Stop saying it. AAAArghh! … I’ve said it …
Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say “Ni” at will to old ladies.
What are you going to do, bleed on me?
Don’t tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers.” — Mahatma Gandhi
Cthulhu for President — for when you’re tired of choosing the lesser of the two evils.
I’m a Fun Guy from Yuggoth.
“We are at a very serious moment dealing with very serious issues and we are not focusing on the name you give to potatoes.” — France to USA, 2003 (Nathalie Loisau, an embassy spokeswoman)
The Black Knight always triumphs. Have at you!
ENOUGH, pro. All there is in the world if you like it. (Bierce)
“The poet’s fate is here in emblem shown / He ask’d for bread, and he received a stone.” (from Samuel Butler’s grave marker)
“Here Lies Ezekial Aikle Aged 102 The Good Die Young” (epitaph, East Dalhousie, Nova Scotia, Canada)
“When I have a little money, I buy books. And if any is left, I buy food and clothing.” — Desiderius Erasmus
Make love, not peace.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” — Groucho Marx (As you can see by the above, having some quote stare you in the face for a week or a couple doesn’t mean you’d remember using it when you come across it elsewhere.)
“I play metal due to it being very honest and intense music, to make it short, it reflects all what I like in music.” –Hansi Kürsch (of Blind Guardian, my favorite band, by the way. Might be because Nightfall in Middle-Earth was the first piece of music I actually bought on my own — I was sixteen, and finally getting out of my conservative little prick phase.)
“Hey, fellas! How about this for a headline for tomorrow’s paper? ‘French Fries’!” (J.French to reporters before his execution)
Cannibalism is a small price to pay for popularity.
Few things work up an appetite like good, wholesome, sadomasochistic sex.
Q: What’s pink, 18 inches long, and makes a grown woman scream? A: Crib death.
“Here lies / Lester Moore / four slugs / from a 44 / no Les / no more”
“I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do.” — Robert A. Heinlein
I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
“In the absence of orders, go find something and kill it.” — Erwin Rommel
“So long as you are a slave to the opinions of the many you have not yet approached freedom or tasted its nectar.” (attrib. to Julian)
Bureaucrats cut red tape — lengthwise.
You’ll see it’s all a show. Keep ‘em laughing as you go. Just remember that the last laugh is on you.
I can count even higher if I take my shoes off.
“Sure, 90% of science fiction is crud. That’s because 90% of everything is crud.” — Theodore Sturgeon
“One man’s ‘magic’ is another man’s engineering. ‘Supernatural’ is a null word.” — Robert A. Heinlein
This statement is false. All Hail Discordia!
“We come from nothing, we go to nothing, so what we have lost? Nothing!”
Who still talks nowadays of the extermination of the Armenians?
Money can’t buy happiness, but poverty can’t buy ANYTHING.
Dead puppies aren’t much fun.
“It’s fair to say that the Bible contains equal amounts of fact, history, and pizza.” –Penn Jillette
Beethoven composed for 43 years… then he decomposed.
“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.” — Gandhi
“[S]cience is the best defence against believing what we want to.” –Ian Stewart
ALL FANATICS MUST DIE!
I’m not wearing any underwear.
“12 more years and u lived a decade!” (Comment to a 94-year old man on YouTube)
I don’t mind being in touch with reality, as long as I don’t have to live there.
In my family, crazy is a relative term.
“There are moments when everything goes well; don’t be frightened, it won’t last.” — Jules Renard
“The horse is the only animal into which one can bang nails.” — Jules Renard
Humans: Bet you can’t eat just one.
If I was a woman I’d stay at home all day and play with my breasts.
Early to bed and early to rise makes a man stupid and blind in the eyes.
I like winter. I like the cold. I like the sound of flowers dying.
We come in peace… shoot to kill…
Live in privacy; die in public.
“And twelve points go to those beautiful, gorgeous, sweet-looking creatures —” (A reference to the winner of ESC 2006; one spokesperson prefaced his country’s choice with this.)
I salivate at the sight of mittens.
What a useless scroll, all it says is “Hastur Hastur Hastur” over and over again.
In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death.
Those students who have become one with the universe will be allowed to go on and become two with the universe.
“Look for the ridiculous in everything, and you will find it.” — Jules Renard
The meek will inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars.
You’re twisted, depraved, and rotten to the core… I like that in a person.
Mixed messages rock and suck.
Darwin’s Law of Carcinogens: Cancer cures smoking.
“This isn’t right; this isn’t even wrong.” — Wolfgang Pauli
Please, rock me to sleep. A 5-pounder should do the trick.
This term for a long-handled gardening tool can also mean an immoral pleasure-seeker. (There are two possible answers.) (Famous alleged quiz show question: either a rake… or a hoe.)
There’s no real need to do housework — after four years it doesn’t get any worse.
“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” is not a commandment fit for hardcore masochists.
You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
They’re only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
“You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.” — Dean Martin
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
Your fault: core dumped
If at first you don’t succeed, quit; don’t be a nut about success.
“What do you mean, only minus twenty-two? You’re kidding, right? Right?” (This might be a reference to the end of a game of Magic: the Gathering.)
My powers are beyond your understanding!
Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn’t help either.
“It is wrong always, everywhere, and for anyone to believe anything upon insufficient evidence.” — W. K. Clifford (1879)
Just remember… if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
“Education’s purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one.” — Malcolm S. Forbes
Republicans for Voldemort
“The meaning of life is that it ends.” — Franz Kafka (Also paraphrased in the Judge Dredd movie, which I’m more familiar with.)
“Censorship is telling a man he can’t have a steak just because a baby can’t chew it.” — Mark Twain
If I were you I’d dance naked in the middle of the street just to embarrass you.
“I don’t have pet peeves. I have major psychotic fucking hatreds. Makes world much easier to sort out.” — George Carlin
“I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.” — George Carlin
Make Love Not Peace
Hyvää Osama bin Ladenin syntymäpäivää 10.3.! (Finnish; “Happy Osama bin Laden’s birthday this 10th of March” — I think this was a jocular case of baiting the Police Internet Surveillance Watchdog Whatever Unit — not that it’d see the message, or have the means to see it, or maybe even exist as an effective entity, but all the tales of wiretapping, observating the Eeehvul Net, and other paranoia pieces all over the world make you want to write things like this. And occasionally, mid-call, whisper repeatedly into the phone “president assassinate nuclear — president assassinate nuclear flight plan jihad”.)
F. Nietzsche : A brave man that fought a losing battle against his moustache all his life.
And he knows he shouldn’t kill / and he knows he always will / kill you for me my friend and me for you (Universal Soldier)
Universal Compulsory Sterilization — the Solution to All of Our Problems within the Next 200 Years
Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare. (“I think some people in togas are plotting against me.”; nowadays this might not be taken as an expression of political prudence.)
— we gotta make up helmets and we gotta bomb ‘em and we gotta stop talking in front of the cats, that’s the important thing, we can’t trust cats, they’re from Mars, everybody knows that —
Aut magister aut nihil (“Either M.Sc. or nothing” — I think this is a nice, happy, uplifting aphorism I made up myself despite my deep and shameful total ignorance of the Latin language. I probably should update it to aut doctorus aut nihil.)
Estne tibi forte magna feles fulva et planissima? (“Do you by chance happen to own a large, yellowish, very flat cat?”)
“I know for I told me so… the more it stays the same, the less it changes!” — Spinal Tap, the Majesty of Rock (One of the greatest rock-metal lyrics of all time.)
Trivia test #1: Name the first two nuclear explosions (by bomb, place, codename, etc.). (3 pts.) Name the third. (1 pt.) (Couldn’t faze my brother the physicist; you’re thinking correctly if you answer the latter with this.)
“The difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time congress meets.” — Will Rogers
Do you know what the death rate around here is? One per person.
To err is human, to moo bovine.
“Scientific beliefs are supported by evidence, and they get results. Myths and faiths are not and do not.” — Richard Dawkins
“So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence.” — Bertrand Russell
Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.
“This is one of the great social functions of science -— to free people from superstition.” — Steven Weinberg
“If money does not make you happy; give it back.” — Jules Renard
“We are not troubled by things, but by the opinion which we have of things.” — Epictetus
Cats flattened while U wait
“Isn’t it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too?” -—Douglas Adams
The Feynman Problem-Solving Algorithm: (1) write down the problem; (2) think very hard; (3) write down the answer.
Amor librorum nos unit. (In Finnish “Rakkaus kirjoihin yhdistää meitä”; in English “Love of books unites us.”)
“I can’t buy that. Only management-type guys with big salaries like me can afford things like that.” — Homer Simpson
“We admit that we are like apes, but we seldom realise that we are apes.” — Richard Dawkins
“The universe is a strange and wondrous place. The truth is quite odd enough to need no help from pseudoscientific charlatans.” — Richard Dawkins
“Infidel, n. In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does.” — Ambrose Bierce
“I am against religion because it teaches us to be satisfied with not understanding the world.” — Richard Dawkins
Arthur: Did you say shrubberies?
“I learned very early the difference between knowing the name of something and knowing something.” — Richard Feynman
“We’ll be right back to the politically correct program called ‘The Good, the Bad, and the Beauty Impaired’.” — Colin Mochrie, Whose Line Is It Anyway?
I possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
How many times do I have to tell you that drilling holes in your head will not relieve stress?
“It is the characteristic of a weak and diseased mind to fear the unfamiliar.” — Seneca
“Quick! Hide behind that multicoiled stator! Those squid can detect even the tiniest of magnetic fields!”
CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
Question Authority — and the authorities will question you.
“‘My name is Ozymandias, king of kings: Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!’ Nothing beside remains.” — Shelley
“What can be asserted without proof can be dismissed without proof.” — Christopher Hitchens
A hundred thousand lemmings can’t be wrong.
“My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. One or other of us has got to go.” — Oscar Wilde, last words
The only good puppy is a dead puppy.
Common sense is what tells you that the world is flat.
Everybody ought to have a maid.
“Never attribute to conspiracy what may be be explained by stupidity.” — Unknown
Up, up and away!
All Hail Discordia.
“Kill them all. God will easily recognize His own.” — Amalric, French theologian and philosopher at the battle of Beziers, 1209
“Make me one with everything.” — Zen Master to the hot dog vendor
“If you understand everything, you must be misinformed.” — Japanese proverb
“Theology is a thing of unreason altogether, an edifice of assumption and dreams, a superstructure without a substructure.” — Bierce
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
Friends Of Old Dogs needs you — you too can be a FOOD for Rex!
Bark If You Love Jesus
“Do your own thing. And overdo it!” — Christoph ‘Doom’ Schneider
“Math is beautiful, but most people don’t appreciate that. The more math the better. Everybody should study mathematics.” — Underwood Dudley
If you demand respect, you deserve ridicule.
The Tower. Somewhere ahead, it waited for him — the nexus of Time, the nexus of Size.
It was the year when they finally immanentized the Eschaton.
Sept. 19 — the International Talk Like a Pirate Day
This statement is false.
4.10.1957 — Sputnik I
Ignorance can be cured — but stupid is forever.
“Rational arguments don’t usually work on religious people. Otherwise there wouldn’t be religious people.” — Dr. House
Mainos: Hiustenleikkuu on helppoa kun on 180 astetta pyörivä ajopää! Minä: Hä? Ootsä so kiropraktori? (Finnish: “Commercial: Cutting hair is easy when you have a shave head that rotates 180 degrees! Me: What? You’re a chiropractor or something?”)
Yritykseltä on siinä vaiheessa karannut suomen kieli käsistä kun pyyhkeessä lukee isoin kirjain että LUHTA HOME. (Finnish, my own observation that “A company has lost touch with the Finnish language when a towel reads in big letter LUHTA HOME.” Luhta is a company in the domestic fabrics and clothes business; “home” means “mildew” in Finnish.)
“Luck is probability taken personally.” — Penn Jillette
In the long run, everyone is equal. Equal to zero.
“No amount of belief makes something a fact.” — James ‘the Amazing’ Randi
“Love is like a flower; even the most beautiful kind dies.” — Till Lindemann
“All science is either physics or stamp-collecting.” — Ernest Rutherford
“The answer to our egocentric question — ‘Why are we here?’ — ‘Plastic… asshole.’” — George Carlin, The Planet is Fine
“I was elected to lead, not to read.” — President A. Schwarzenegger
“I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.” — George Carlin (1937-2008)
“Mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks. What do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?” — George Carlin (37-08)
“The universe is full of magical things, patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.” — Eden Philpotts
“My way of joking is to tell the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world.” — George Bernard Shaw
“To surrender to ignorance and call it God has always been premature, and it remains premature today.” — Isaac Asimov
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue…
“Faith is wrong; belief without reason and question is evil.” — Iain M. Banks
One man’s theology is another man’s belly laugh. — Heinlein
Cogito ergo non credo
“There’s this thing called being so open-minded your brains drop out.” — Richard Dawkins
“I have no idea how creativity happens [...] except it makes you feel good while it’s going on.” — Stephen King
We don’t hate vegetarians, we just think they’re funny.
“Men will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest.” — Diderot
Fac ut vivas (Get a life)
“If you’re going to take someone’s balls from him, you pretty much owe him lifetime support.” — John Scalzi on cats
To find out how to participate in Microsoft SafeWords surveillance program, click here! Let’s work together for a cleaner net!
Happiness is mandatory. Are you happy?
Welcome to the internet. Please enjoy your stay and remember that no one cares what you find offensive.
Love the tentacle, honey.
Star Trek: hyvä toimintaelokuva, kiinnostava maailma, juoni on kuin sikoja raiskaisi. (<= so. ei hyvä) (A short movie review of mine in Finnish: “Star Trek: A good action movie, an interesting world, the plot was similar to raping pigs. (<= i.e. not good)”)
See side panel for exciting recipe ideas.
“God doesn’t limp.” — Gregory House (season 3, ep 2)
“You can’t beat free shit with a stick.” — J. C. Hutchins
Best file compression around: “DEL *.*” = 100% compression
“A wise man proportions his belief to the evidence.” — David Hume
* * *
Towards the beginning, a lot of these were from going through long txt-files full of one-liners, and picking out ones that amused me. Towards the end, er, Richard Dawkins is just so cuddly and quotable.