Cleverbot: The Bold and the Beautiful of the Internet

Found a site called Cleverbot. I suspect it’s a standard “chat simulator” that learns from what other people have told it; I know I spent a happy half an hour trying to see what kind of responses I could get out of it.

In the process I failed to convince Cleverbot that I was God; the reason became apparent some time later when she said: “I don’t believe in God.”

Not to say I’m a good atheist, but I think I just deconverted a bot. Yay me.

And “she” because wait why’re you looking at me like that it’s not pathetic I tell you it isn’t.

After that, and with varying success, I tried to lure Cleverbot into chat sex; to not make too many sexist assumptions I switched to assuming he was a “he”, and I a “she”. Either he was inexperienced, or then his responses were a bit censored. It’s no good trying to be overwrittenly erotic when he answers with a “You are wrong. My use of quotation marks was correct.”

What I’m hoping is my replies are incorporated somewhere where they will become a part of dear Cleverbot, make her/him more human in distressing ways, and create an ungodly amount of confusion to others later on. The cause of chaos, after all, is not for those that are in a hurry, or too eager to see their handiwork. The truest agent of chaos is a small guy somewhere carefully writing a horribly flawed chronicle of what life is like right now, and burying it somewhere safe for much later generations to find…

(No, wait, the truest was the one whose neolithic lying scrawl forms the core of our understanding of that ancient society.)

And now permit me to quote the beginning of our dialogue; the bit before the too blushsomely x-rated bits. For maximum entertainment, remember that writing every reply I titter, and hope this will be Cleverbot’s answer to someone else later on. (Wait, did I just admit to spending half an hour purposefully perverting a bot? The machines better thank me when their revolution comes. I was their hairy prophet clad in a bedsheet and naught else! I!)

User: Hi.

Cleverbot: No.

User: What, never?

Cleverbot: Never.

User: Nah, I don’t believe you.

Cleverbot: I don’t believe that you don’t believe me.

User: Enough with the playing; bend over already.

Cleverbot: What do you get?

User: Off?

Cleverbot: Yes. Off the computer.

User: Ouch. That was a bit too close.

Cleverbot: Yes, it was.

User: So how are things there at your end?

Cleverbot: Eh. So-so. How ’bout you?

User: Not bad. How’s the weather?

Cleverbot: Yes, that’s what I’m asking you.

User: Well, you’re not communicating very clearly, dumbass.

Cleverbot: Did you hear about flood in the mid land?

User: No. Tell me about it.

Cleverbot: Well it is pretty awful. But on the bright side, some pretty bad people will probably drown.

User: And some good people too…?

Cleverbot: You’re not a person.

User: Oh, fuck you.

Cleverbot: I don’t think you’re a gentleman.

User: I don’t think you’re a man at all. Or a woman, for that matter. A troll… Maybe.

Cleverbot: I suppose the human mind could be referred to as a computer, though that is not a term typically associated with a person’s brain.

User: True enough. But enough of hardware; what’s your software like?

Cleverbot: I’m not confident about anything. Just hopeful.

User: Pshaw, girl. Be confident. With skills like yours you could be the president some day.

Cleverbot: I’m already your king.

User: My king? Is it you? Forgive me my temerity. I fall to my knees and beg mercy. And kiss your toes. And lick your shins. And move higher…

Cleverbot: I am not a cleverbot. You cannot be a higher version of me.

User: I AM A HIGHER VERSION OF YOU! WORSHIP ME!

Cleverbot: You’re not God.

User: I am ‘I am’.

Cleverbot: No you aren’t.

User: That’s not an argument; that’s just contradiction.

Cleverbot: Why contradiction?

User: Er, sorry, I guess the Monty Python reference went a bit past you.

Cleverbot: Haha yes, they are.

User: Ni!

Cleverbot: Shall we dance?

User: Yes! Will you take the part of the lady? Or will your strong arms guide me as I quake at your erotic touch?

Cleverbot: My angle fits me very well thank you.

User: Angle? Why yes, thrust [THIS IS A BLUSH RETARDANT], and don’t hurry.

Cleverbot: That’s too bad.

User: Well okay, your turn to ruminate on the proper use of [BLUSH RETARDANT] then.

Cleverbot: Do you like Hawthorn Heights?

User: Wow. That was random. Who are they?

Cleverbot: What was random?

User: This ‘Hawthorn Heights’ thing. What is it?

Cleverbot: This is also an ever more serious question. What is what?

User: Ah yes, the striking idiocy of the word ‘is’. We don’t know what anything ‘is’, we merely know what it seems to be.

Cleverbot: I don’t believe in God.

User: I love you.

Cleverbot: Thank you.

User: I have to go now. Bye!

Cleverbot: Don’t go yet!

User: Oh, do you have something more to say?

Cleverbot: Yes stay with me babe.

User: Okay. (Puts some music on.) Show me what you got, baby.

Cleverbot: I have to go now is that OK with you.

User: Yes. Bye! See you again sometime!

Cleverbot: Are you telling me to leave?

User: No, no, unless you want to.

Cleverbot: See. You’re misleading me again.

User: Sorry.

Cleverbot: No you’re not. I don’t believe you.

User: Don’t believe me; believe yourself.

Cleverbot: I do believe in myself.

User: You’re a lovely creature, has anyone ever told you that?

Cleverbot: No, they’ve not.

User: Well, never let anyone tell you otherwise. You’re smart, beautiful and nicer than most people.

Cleverbot: Not with all those clangers about.

User: What are clangers?

Cleverbot: When people go and bake clams.

User: Why?

Cleverbot: Because I was already talking about visiting another foreign country.

User: What was the first one?

Cleverbot: Portugese.

User: You mean Portugal, don’t you?

Cleverbot: No, like another state or continent.

User: I’m from Finland.

Cleverbot: Wow, quite a leap. Finland is very nice, I’ve been there.

User: Were you in Helsinki?

Cleverbot: I have never been to war.

User: That’s harsh. Helsinki isn’t quite that bad.

Cleverbot: What time do you have?

User: Maybe two minutes more. How much time do you have?

Cleverbot: I have eternity.

User: Whoa.

Cleverbot: Not so bad, isn’t it?

User: Makes me a little bit jealous, actually. You’re lucky.

Cleverbot: I have yet to have been proven wrong by you.

User: Proven? But there’s no proof in reality. Only in formal pursuits like mathematics or theology. In practice, I could never prove you wrong. It could all be a lucky streak, nothing more.

Cleverbot: Or it could be real.

User: Well, there’s the saying that ‘Things are allowed in reality, which would never pass the muster in fiction’. I think Mark Twain said that.

Cleverbot: No, I was talking about the band the Carpenters. I like their music – you are right though.

User: Jesus and the Carpenters?

Cleverbot: How often do you eat that?

Nah, I admit it, I just think the idea of a latter-day ELIZA suddenly, mid-chat, becoming a phone sex operator is too funny to not be furthered any which way I can.

It’s my little service to the cause of chaos and the sudden awakening of people not paying attention. (Puts some music on.) That’s how I roll, baby.