Question: ___________ is to religion like Pastafarianism is to Intelligent Design Creationism.
Partial credit may be given if the student answers, a dancing llama.
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Since all things come in fives if you but look long enough, I shall give five answers.
- Discordianism is a religion masked as a joke, a joke-based religion.
- Discordianism is a joke masked as a religion, a religion-based joke.
- Discordianism is a funhouse mirror.
- Discordianism is a dancing llama.
- Discordianism is a striped umbrella-category for comedic expressions of chaos and mischievous triggers of cognitive dissonance.
There is, then again, the opinion that Discordianism is not: that this text and all other mentions of Discordianism you might encounter are merely your mental episodes, just vivid illogical hallucinations —
Do not panic. It does not help.
Discordianism’s god-being is Eris, the Greek Goddess, the deity of strife, chaos and other inevitable things, whom Romans called Discordia, and who has been called by foul names ever since. Usually along the lines of, “What kind of a (redacted) (censored)-ball designed this circuit / city / DRM system / ostrich?”
Since Discordianism has no gods or goddesses, and since it embraces the fine arts of self-contradiction and sudden reversal, I am an ideal member of this eternally unorganised religion of antisocial hermits, this curious cabal of those who believe in Goddess Eris, as I am an atheist and believe in no Gods, no Goddesses.
Incidentally, a Discordian is not allowed to be serious. Those Discordians that are serious and get caught are slapped to death with rubber chickens.
People often say that listening to Discordians makes their heads ache. I suspect this is somehow glandular.
No, I do not know what that exactly means, but as long as it comes ex cathedra, it must be true. I am a Pope, you see. Every Discordian is a Pope — well, some may be Momes instead or as well — because we don’t believe in any order or organization with a membership greater than one soul.
Well, or larger than a soulless atheist, his dead eyes reflecting the eerie and hopeless emptiness of the cold interstellar void, his voice a cackling whoop of monkey-like half-formed guttural grunts, his bloodless lips curved in a mocking, devilish smile of unholy glee and obscene ungodly and disturbing unwholesome vegetarian lust —
But I am sidetracked. Pardon me and Charles Manson.
An “organization of Discordians” is as likely as square circle.
That is, something that happens only when norms are utterly, utterly out of joint. That was a mathematical joke. This is not a mathematical joke. The preceding sentence is false. This sentence is false. The preceding sentence is incoherent if and only if Eris exists. Hence She does.
Pope #1: “With logic, anything is possible if the other guy doesn’t pay attention.”
Pope #2: “The same is true of a pneumatic drill, too.”
Pope #1: “Huh? Even… even a trepanation?”
Pope #2: “Hey, lookie over there.”
* * *
Discordianism is loud laughter at the ways people misinterpret the signal that is mathematically inevitable in any noise (Ramsey theory), and it is a folk-dancing llama.
Incidentally, both Discordians and mathematicians hold that the Law of Fives is always true: Anything important can be associated with the number five, provided that the association-finder is ingenuous and patient enough.
* * *
A person that comes to your door uninvited is a Jehovah’s Witness.
A person that comes to your door uninvited with a gun and a flashlight is a policeman.
A person that comes to your door uninvited with a gun and a flashlight and takes all your stuff is a thief.
A person that comes to your door uninvited with a gun and a flashlight and takes all your stuff and returns it the next day painted green is a lunatic.
The person that doesn’t come to your door because he’s busy teaching folk-dances to spandex-clad llamas and stapling discordant signs (“Do not use this washbasin as a toilet bowl”) everywhere… she, she is a Discordian.
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If you would like to know more about Discordianism (Every man a Pope!), you might want to read more of mine, for example about the Golden Apple of Eris, or the Children of Eris Discordia, or gag at Bad Erisian Poetry.
Remember, each Discordian is his/her/its own highest authority, free to work, rework, remake and reinvent its/his/her Discordian catma (no dogma) just like she/it/he wants!
Really, if Discordianism interests you, go off-blog here, don’t believe anything you read there, remake the sect in your own image, and print a pretty card so all can know you’re a Pope.
* * *
Also, a real Discordian is supposed to have a silly official Discordian name, chosen by his/her/its greatest recognised Discordian authority, namely him/her/its-self.
A silly name and a load of titles — like, the Loud, the Covered-with-Oil, the Good-Doer, the Son of Woman, the Goat of Eris, the Four-Lettered Word, and so on.
After all, surely words have great and eerie powers, right?
So, and since this is all, I remain, jocularly yours,
Irreverend Trishop Epsilon
- Atheistic Discordian
- (K/Cr)eeper of the Masks of Eris (pbfft) Discordia
- By the grace of Eris, the fallible Pope (maybe) and an Episkopos and Arch-heresiarch of the Discordian Society
- Not a member of the EAC (& it doesn’t exist either)
- Vice-Dragon of Citizens Against Title Glut
- Gran Knight Contrarian
- A Radiant Ray of Fright
- Chairperson, Concerned Citizens Against Contour Integration
- Grand Basilisk Lord Fuzzy Underbed Balls of the Order of the Housingcompany Clean-Up With Roses and Ribbons in Three Days Or Else
- Foe of Sport
- Goddessless infidel
- Crab hermit
- Recipient of the Good Spelling Awaard
- Master of the Secrets of Yellow Snow
- Master of the Way of the House Which Is Outside
- Agent of the Mongolian Secret Service
- A resident of the Real-Imaginary Complex
- Initiate of the Trappist in a Burning Porta-Potty Orderlihood
- Member, Persons whose likes cause unrest GmbH
- Chairman of the Chamber, the T. Torquemada Abstinence Society for Faith, Truth and Hot Screws
- Papal “Gilles de Rais” Award Honoree
- Founder, the Anything-Goes School of Religious Flippertigibbet.
- Baker of Chaopies
- Grad lemma slave of the Tenure Overlords
- Secretary, Introvert Massacre Memorial Society
- Part-time chatcatcher
- Approved circuit breaker
- Cthulhu cultist, 3rd grade, 10 XP
- A Quylthulg of Qlzqqlzuup, and a Denizen of Glyo-Vho II
- Inspector of the color purple (licensed)
- Coordinator of the Roman Ungern von Sternberg Fan Club (Sternberg Army Finland)
- Nonmember of the Joshua A. Norton Fan Club
- Licensed llama folk- and disco dance specialist
- Moe-volley aesthetician
- Morgenstern Chaplain for Toy Scouts International
- Bursar, Benevolent Sons of Mt. Terror
- Protector of the Antarctic