Faith-based mathematics

An important new addition to the stuffy ol’ methods of proof and number — faith-based mathematics, as inspired by the heroic efforts of theologians all over the ages!

  • Proof by faith: We have no proof. That is the proof. If you question our proof, you’re an insensitive prick.
  • Proof by a test of faith: There’s a counterexample. We will hope it goes away.
  • Proof by a miracle: A three-line proof; the second line is “Then a miracle happens.”
  • Proof by prayer: Whine upwards until the problem goes away. (Works for grad students. Professors, eh, not so much.)
  • Proof by devil: “What? You have a counterexample? The devil must have tricked you. Out, devil! Out!”
  • Proof by a sign from God: “I saw three gaunt letters of smoke in my dream, yea, and the letters were ‘Q’ and ‘E’ and ‘D’… And this is what they mean: It is proven!
  • Proof by a vision: “Can you see it? The proof! It’s coming in through the walls!”
  • Proof by peer pressure: “Of course you know all functions are continuous. You wouldn’t want to be sad and alone, right?”
  • Proof by odium: “Hitler didn’t believe all functions are continuous. What, you want to agree with Hitler?”
  • Proof by the life of Jesus: “Jesus was a nice guy. Everyone likes Jesus. I think this verse means Jesus said all functions are continuous.”
  • Proof by witnessing: “I have seen the proof!” “Me too, brother!” “Praise the proof!”
  • Proof by separate magisteria: The proof exists in a different world. Since you can’t go and see it, you must believe me when I say it is as I say.
  • Proof by morality: “Discontinuous functions would be evil, ugly, troublesome and unspeakably horrid. If there was a discontinuous function, I’d probably go insane and rape your granny or something. Is that what you want me to do? Huh?”
  • Proof by an appeal to optimism: “It would be terrible if this function wasn’t continuous. Therefore it is.”
  • Proof by Hell: “If you don’t believe all functions are continuous, you could become a grad student of Professor Mumblescream. Do you want that?”
  • Proof by teleology: “Things would get pretty damn unspeakably complicated if all functions weren’t continuous. Since considering such a bummer would be grant-destroyingly hopeless, all functions are continuous.”
  • Proof by ontology: “Mathematics is idealism. Can you conceive of anything more ideal than all functions being continuous?”
  • Proof by an anthropic argument: “I say this function is continuous. Am I not wonderful? Hence the function is continuous.”
  • Proof by a transcendental argument: “This exercise would be meaningless if the function wasn’t continuous. Hence Q.E.D.”
  • Proof by a transcendental argument (alternative): “Let us assume a discontinuous function. The whole structure of mathematics crumbles to the ground!
  • Proof by lack of imagination: “What do you mean, discontinuous function? The professor never said nothing about discontinuous functions…”
  • Proof by theology: “No, seriously! No-one believes all functions are continuous anymore! It’s just that this function is continuous because we need it to be…”

2 Responses to “Faith-based mathematics”

  1. Yvette Says:

    Oh man…I can’t tell you how hard I laughed. That was great.

  2. Blog Love « Blue Linchpin Says:

    […] Mask of Eris: A real gem! His ‘faith based mathematics’ post had me tearing up. I’ve yet to read anything else but it seems the blog is intelligent, witty, has a great sense of humor and unfortunately it appears the comment logs are empty. Fix this immediately! […]

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