Tales to answer query hits

“the planet eris for small children”

“Welcome, welcome. Delighted to meet you, sir, and your boy… what’s your name, child? Tom? And how old are you, Tom? What, eight? Splendid, splendid. Please sit down, sir and Tom.”

“Now, if you permit me to launch into my well-rehearsed spiel — the Planet Eris for Small Children! Sir and Tom, you both have noticed that childcare takes its own time — time that a busy single parent professional just doesn’t always have. You don’t want to miss work, but you don’t want to miss your child’s childhood either. Thus we in Childeris Incorporated have manufactured a solution out of this world — chortle, chortle — for your trouble!”

“Every month we launch a rocket towards the frozen and desolate — and terribly exciting! — planet Eris on the outer reaches of the solar system, a rocket filled with kids! They embark on a cruise of two weeks of excitement, thrills and learning exciting solar system facts with our very own Professor Photon — not to mention a day spent jollily gallivanting across the mysterious surface of Eris itself, the planet of excitement and intrigue! A day on Eris is forty-eight exciting minutes or less.”

“Meanwhile, the beleaguered parent here on Earth has time to do his work properly, and even rest a bit, and get ready for the child’s excited return from its stellar — har, har — voyage, and thanks to the miracles of relativistic time dilatation, when the child returns from its two weeks of happy-happy gallivanting and exciting adventure, a full forty years have passed here on Earth, and the parent is safely retired and able to focus all of his or her attentions on the returned child! It’s a perfect solution!”

“Don’t miss your child’s childhood — send it to Eris, the Planet for Small Children, while you still can!”

“is eris cold on its white spot?”

“Well, her white spot would be nicer. It’s generally not wise to address a woman, especially a goddess, as an inanimate object. And not many ask about the white spot, either.”

“No, it’s not that she’s shy about it. It’s just that educated people don’t believe the spot thing anymore. You know, that every witch has a spot on her body that can feel no pain. I don’t need to tell you those inquisitorially types used to spend days and days going over womanly bodies, putting their paws and pins everywhere… if you put, say, a square-centimeter grid on a lady’s skin, have you any idea how many ‘spots’ that is going to create? And if you don’t find any immune to pain, well, make a finer mesh, like the lishping aththithant uthed to thay.”

“Well, in a manner of speaking she’s not a witch. Not quite a witch-goddess either. Her Quizzical Majesty-12, Eris Discordia, descending from a wealthy Greek family, has no truck with either the Christians or their curious negatives the Satanists. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t feel certain sympathy… or certain delight in imitating the worst stereotypes of Kramer and Sprenger, just to create confusion in the ranks of those that try to rank and classify her.”

“Ah, yes, the coldness. The coldness of the white spot… well, it’s a spot without the sensation of pain. A numb spot. So she’s not cold on that. Now, if someone else was to put his — or her — finger on her cold spot… well, first, that would be a bit of invasion-of-privacy. Which isn’t what you want to do to a goddess. If she’s really angered, she’ll slap you with a paternity suit, befuddle the jury, and leave you with the custody of a child — and hey, her children are the Kakodaimones, ranging from Ruinous Folly to Raging Anger. Good luck trying to survive changing a diaper filled with clamoring armies and brimstone.”

* * *

Well, I get these strange google hits, and as I have no idea what these people are looking for, I can give no better answers than these.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s