Religion as conspiracy theory

How about this?

  1. There is a God/Conspiracy, but it’s all covered up. Or it’s clear if you just look at the world, but… (Oh! A miracle or a crashed saucer! Was here yesterday, gone now!) Indeed, the absence of evidence is evidence for the vastness of the missing thing! Only an immensely powerful God/Conspiracy could have erased its tracks so well, fiddled with fossils and flight records — but there are always those few who notice what He/they missed.
  2. Now, this truth is only for the select few… though of course it would be nice if all were to accept it but no, since —
  3. Earthly power is in the hands of the evil ones; the good guys, no matter how numerous, are always in the minority, tempted, ridiculed and persecuted (and yea this has always been their lot), but —
  4. There will eventually be a moment when the truth comes out, saucers and angels and trumps of the end and all; and all the skeptics and the naysayers and the agnostics and the sheeple will see the error of their ways; but then it will be too late!
  5. That moment will be in… err… sooner or later.
  6. Things can’t just happen on their own: no, they’re signs of great powers at work. If there’s death and mayhem (like AIDS), it’s the evil side (or a vengeful God), because nature just can’t be so indifferent to human suffering. There are no coincidences fnord fnord fnord the law of fives*.
  7. There is a great war of good and evil, darkness and light, black and white, fought in hidden places, inside minds, and in the public though no-one not one of the Elect can see it; there is no place for shades of grey (the Greys and the ash of Gehenna, sure; but no middle positions), and those that aren’t with us, are against. (Well, okay, there are the pagans/sheeple, but if they won’t listen, they’re in with the Evil. And they should believe when we tell them.)
  8. Those atheists/KFC chicken-men/Bilderberger thugs are lascivious hedonists; no matter how they deny and say they’re for nice things or nothing especially, they want to destroy all you believe in and rule the world. Their leaders are wicked; their followers deluded; their reach always longer than they admit. And their true agenda is always carefully hidden but easily visible to those that can see.
  9. The actual sources of all this knowledge are a bit hazy and there’s a lot of disagreement; but surely there’s something true in the tradition, because something like this just couldn’t spring up on its own. Right? There’s this vast hidden world, seemingly inaccessible but still told about with such great detail, if you just believe.
  10. Finally, this is all deadly serious, and also something that involves badly typeset books from tiny publishers with names like “TruthRevelationMystery”, and lots of kooks on the net.

* : the Law of Fives says that everything… every single thing… happens in fives, is divisible by five, or is somehow associated with the number five, if you just look hard and long enough.

This is, in a way, a very deep truth.

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