Does your life appear empty and meaningless?

Does your life feel empty and meaningless? Do you long for something… greater?

Well, I have the answer — no, the Answer, the balm you need. And I do not refer to some “miracle drug”, but to the deeper reason of why you are here, and what you are meant to do. I speak of comfort, care and ease of mind.

I speak of the thing that is so sorely lacking in the busy, materialistic world of today… the thing that used to be on the lips of everyone in the good old days… but which is nearly forgotten in the hurly-burly world of today, where people don’t care about each other, and are faced with isolation and new horrors every sad day…

Trust me. I can take you to what your life lacks; to communion with greater truths.

I am Tom DeYahoo, a priest in the Church of the Hamster-Eating God. Please come join our festivities this Thursday… and don’t eat anything beforehand!


“Why?” You’re not supposed to ask “why” or “what” or, much worse, “what the fuck”. This is the Answer, okay? I’m giving your life Meaning and Purpose — what do you mean “tell me why this makes any sense” or “why this god exists”; you’re supposed to be grateful and gobble this thing straight up without this whole skepticism business!

Er, did I say that last part out loud?

Um, is it enough if I say it will make you feel really full and good?

Honestly, all the Christians and Muslims never get this backlash, and their wares aren’t any less silly than mine. I mean, how the hell is ritual cannibalism supposed to be good for you anyway? We at the very least use animals; and real animals mind you.

Delicious, nutritious hamsters.

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