The Cure of the Century

Gather all, ladies and gentlemen. I have the Cure of the Century — the Cure of the Century, here for your appraisal and amazement.

You see this jar? Even you, charming young lady in a blue dress there in the back? Yes, you, you sweet young thing, you and your, er, daughter and granddaughter and her babies. Look all, see, and wonder.

Here is Hufflepuff Cevex — the Cure of the Century! And what is it a cure for? Naturally for the disease of the century, the affliction of our time, the scourge of our culture, the most vile and creeping of all afflictions — cancer.


A terrible disease, no doubt familiar to you all. But fret not, frown not; up, spirits, up higher than a hippie in heaven — for this cure, this pill I call Hufflepuff Cevex, is a cure for cancer.

Ah, you say, “there is no cure for cancer”. Well, pish! Never give up, and never say never — I am sure your mothers told you to always keep your peckers up. A cancer cure is just a question of ingenuity, and my dearest bosom-friend whose life’s work Cevex is, is a man of great ingenuity.

You see, Cevex works on the micro level — a level so micro and subtle that no other drug can compare. You see, Cevex a little side effect — it gives you cancer.

“What?” I hear you say. You mutter, grumble, roll eyes, wonder if that nice, handsome hawker has something loose in his exquisitely combed and groomed head. No sirree! I wouldn’t sell something that’d harm you, would I? Of course not; not I, honest Joe-Bob! I tricked you — I admit it, I tricked you, but I lied not.

The micro, nano and milli of Cevex is that it gives you cancer… and then, a infinitesimal millisecond later, cures it! Boo-ya! This no other drug can do — but Cevex, the Cure of the Century, the Cure for Cancer, sure does! This deep pharmacological insight hit my dear friend, the inventor of Cevex, so hard he fell down and kissed the ground that very same moment — and then we opened new beers for the betterment of the world, and hence I am here!

And I, a brave, honest and handsome man, shall demonstrate. We need a volunteer — you there, you comely young thing in a, er, a shirt of… lavender? Lavender it is, I assure you. Here, gulp this down.

You can see he has no cancer — no, not a healthy, handsome boy like he. Now he swallows the pill — oh, the grimace! Oh, the grimacity! There for a moment, now gone! You felt a terrible taste in your mouth, son, did you not? Exactly! But only for a fleeting moment and then all is right again — here, have a sip of water — because Cevex, being harmless and beneficial, gave you throat cancer, that most vile of cancers, that Dick Cheney of the cancer world, and boom! now it’s gone without a trace, thanks to Hufflepuff Cevex — the Cure of the Century!

Line up, y’all!

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