Go sacral

Given how vulnerable people seem to be to dumb things done under the umbrella of religion, the world will be doomed the day someone hits on the idea of calling Adolf Hitler a god; neo-Nazis will then be given religious exceptions to their idiocies left and right. (As for those who think comparing the Word of God to the psychotic ravings of a delusional racist is a bit far: er, have you read the Bible on the Amalekite genocide? A nice uplifting bit of fiction, that!)

But are there maybe other institutions that might benefit from going sacral?

* * *

“Ahh, the Holy Blue Screen of Death. It is a mystery you mortals are not meant to understand. Do not fret; Gates always answers, but at times the answer is ‘No’. May you always find gates and windows where ye need them, amen. Thank you for calling Holy Microsoft Support.”

* * *

“A fatwah on Microsoft! A fatwah! I have iSpoken!”

* * *

“Hey, you! You drunken and disorderly little — er, sorry, sir. Did not notice you were of the Church of Mixed Drugs and Booze. Carry on as you were, brother. And dang I wish I could afford your prayer offerings and join.”

* * *

“My personal religious convictions bar me from wearing naught but shorts and a floral shirt.”

“That is impossible; it is grossly disrespectful and insulting to handle a Nokia sacraphone without wearing an Official Nokia-Brand Ad T-Shirt. Here, have two.”

* * *

“Dear new employees, welcome to Pigcorp. As you know, we have a few mandatory religious rules for our members, our receivers of the sacred paycheck — first, women don’t wear pants while on the premises.”

“What? Is this that stupid lust-arousal thing again?”

“Nor do they wear skirts.”

“What? Dear god, it’s that, isn’t it?”

“Nor dresses. Nor cover their legs in any way. It is the will of our august CEO and Prophet, Augustus von Lecherstein.”

* * *

“So, does your company have a healthcare plan?”

“We don’t believe in sicknesses. They are but illusions created by lack of work.”

* * *

“No, of course we aren’t moving the factory to China! It’s going to Factory Heaven! I am sure our former employees do not set their mundane personal preferences higher than their collective wish to see their factory Ascending! Amen!

* * *

“Hey, Greg. Make sure we have donuts for the prayer meeting, and anoint the overhead projector. And make sure Jeff, that filthy amanagerist, doesn’t show up.”

“Actually, I think he prefers to be called a dysmanagerist. Which, and may the merciful CEO not strike me down for this, does not at times seem such a stretch. It is hard to think Daddy Rob is a perfect instrument of the CEO’s will and purpose.”

“Shh — the Human Resources Office has ears everywhere, and their zeal in hunting suspected Dilbert-worshippers cannot be exaggerated.”

One Response to “Go sacral”

  1. Bob O'H Says:

    neo-Nazis will then be given religious exceptions to their idiocies left and right.
    Wouldn’t that be “right and far-right”?

    Perhaps we could persuade the US Republican Party to become a religion they’re half-way there already). And then ban them on grounds of separation of church and state.

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