Harry Potter and the Extended Magical World

I cannot say where these two piece fell from. My mind does things like this now and then.

Content warnings: Harry Potter, religion, blasphemy, speculation, big flaming chunks o’  info dump, good fun.

* * *

first iteration

“Funny I never thought about it”, Ron muttered gloomily.

Hermione sniffed. “Well, it was there on the fifth page of Hogwarts: A History; am I to be blamed for you never reading it?”

Harry was still gaping and gasping like a beached whale — a small, pale and black-haired whale with a lightning scar on its forehead, but somewhat beached anyway — so Ron had to speak for him. “Er, Hermione, are you sure?”

“Look here yourself. Or better still, Loqualibris!

The book shook for a while, and then a droning voice, not unlike that of Professor Binns, rose from it, mumbling its way through the paragraph in question.

“As is well known, the four founders of Hogwarts based their school, and thus the magickal powers of all Britain, on an alliance with the Dark God Sathanas, who would cause wizards and witches come forth from each generation as long as the school and the attendant wizarding world was kept secret, and certain devotions were served by the Headmaster. (see the chapter ‘Why you really should pass your N.E.W.T.s’ for more.) This, and similar blood alliances — such as that of Beauxbatons with Lucia de Fer, Durmstrang with Bub Ba’alze and Helsingin Yliopisto with the Devil of Maksalaatikko — are the source of all wizarding power in Europe.”

Harry whimpered.

“It’s just a question of perspective, Harry”, Hermione said coolly. “You know what they say about witches and wizards among the Muggles — among those that don’t think we’re silly imaginations. They think we’re evil, but we’re really not. They’re just mistaken about Our Lord Satan.”

* * *

second iteration

“What, another new subject?” Ron groaned. “How do you have enough time?”

“I dropped Ancient Runes”, Hermione muttered, trying to catch a silver-covered book that, for some reason, kept flapping around her head.

“What?” Harry choked. Hermione never backed away from anything.

“It was nice, but didn’t tie with what I really want to do. I want to — aha!” She leaped and caught the book with both hands, then screamed as it dragged her half a feet and both feet off the ground. “I want to work in the Ministry of Magic, Harry! There are so many things wrong about it! Librisomna!

She and the paralyzed book fell to an untidy pile on the floor. The book was the first to stir; a picture of an elderly wizard, strikingly handsome, with glasses and short white hair, winked at Harry from the back cover.

“That can’t be it”, Ron yawned. “You want to know everything. Doesn’t matter if it’s of any use.”

He got a sniff in answer, as Hermione tied a strap around the again buckling silver tome. “And, of course, it was either Ancient Runes or Philosophy of Magic and Muggles; they’re scheduled at the same time. I can take Ancient Runes next year, but Ph-o-M-a-M is this year only! And they have a Twinner teaching it!”

Ron groaned and, with a flick of his wand, sent a constellation of Chocolate Frog cards floating above him. An ugly gap indicated the place where several were missing.

“What’s a twinner?” Harry asked.

“A Twinner”, she said, with a smile, “is someone who lives in both worlds: someone who is both an active wizard or witch, and an active Muggle.”

“Huh? I’m in both worlds, too”, Harry blurted.

“No you’re not. You barely have any— sorry, you barely visit anyone who isn’t of the wizarding world anymore. Who do you have, those awful Dursleys? In ten years you might as well petition the Ministry to have your name Faded; then no-one in the Muggle world will know you ever existed.”

“Faded? That’s what they did to Grindelwald, right?” Ron muttered.

“That’s different”, Hermione said with a wave of her hand. “He was a Twinner, but he wasn’t Faded… well, not voluntarily anyway. He became so influential and evil in the Muggle world by using magic that they had to remove him finally before they could fight him — but because you can’t remove someone so big totally they brought this real Muggle in to, er, to replace him in everyone’s memories and in all the documents. Good thing too; if they hadn’t done that in 1942, Grindelwald and his Black Company might have killed every single witch and wizard in Europe, and who knows how many Muggles on the side.”

“Wait”, Harry exclaimed. “You mean Grindelwald was, er, or was replaced by A—”

“As I was saying”, Hermione said, “A Twinner is someone who is known to many in both worlds: you’re not a Twinner, Harry, because hardly anyone knows you in the Muggle world. I’m not a Twinner either, because you could count the people who know me with the fingers of two hands: my parents, a few neighbors, maybe a kindergarten teacher. Twinners are famous magical strongly Mugglelike wizards!”

“Isn’t that — well, you mean they use magic to get famous?”

“No!” Hermione moaned. “Didn’t you listen? After Grindelwald the law’s been really strict about Twinners. They are no more allowed to use magic among Muggles than Hogwarts students are. The International Confederation of Warlocks’ Statute of Secrecy, section 13, remember? And the Improper Use of Magic Office will do them a lot worse than expulsion — they can end up in Azkaban!”

“Oh, wow”, Ron drawled absentmindedly, still enthralled by his swirling cloud of famous wizard cards. “Hey. Where’s my Witch of Endor? Hermione, if this is that cat of yours again…”

“Half-kneazle, half-cat”, Hermione muttered, then continued at Harry. “Anyway, Philosophy of Magic and Muggles is taught by a legend!”

“What is Philosophy of This and That anyway?” Harry asked.

“Oh, it’s the most interesting thing! It’s philosophy done properly; with the knowledge that witches and wizards exist. That explains so many dumb things about the Muggle world. Like how they have all these tales about these magical men and women — just legends from the time before the International Statute of Secrecy.”

Ron groaned. “Speaking of that, Harry, do you have a Moses in your cards? Mine is missing again. I tell you it’s not funny he goes exodus-ing every time I take my eyes off him.”

Hermione continued without an interruption. “And homeopathy — that’s just tap water and the Gullibilusmoronis charm. The Ministry ought to put a stop to that. Or how Muggles have all these miracles, religions and Acts-of-God — what’s not simple delusion, is some witch having fun with them. Risky stupid business that should not be allowed; the Professor says so too.”

“Professor who?”, Harry asked.

“Well, Professor Dawkins, the new Philosophy of Magic and Muggles Professor, of course! You should read this book, Harry” — and Hermione thrust the silver-covered book at him; the cover had something Delusion in big, confident letters — “it’s got three chapters not in the Muggle version especially for the wizarding world!”

“Big pernicious deal”, Ron muttered. “Someone’s stolen my Jesus of Nazareth, Harry. Do you know how difficult that was to get? Everyone hangs to their copy of that wizard like it’s some ruddy Merlin.”

* * *

In closing I wish to note this is the first piece of HP “fan-fiction” I have written, and I have no plans for more.

Well, except a steamy, novel-lenth piece about just what was meant by Aberforth Dumbledore “performing inappropriate charms” on a goat.

Er, the Internet being what it is — just kidding. Someone no doubt has done that already.

Edit: Also, just in case, and just for the neurotic ones, a disclaimer: I don’t own Harry or any of the associated names, characters and concepts. J. K. Rowling, Warner Bros. and similar other instances do. This is just (highly eccentric) fan fiction. Suing me would be utterly futile as I have no money at all.

One Response to “Harry Potter and the Extended Magical World”

  1. I am Going to HEL Today | This Scientific Life Says:

    […] comments here so others can see, too. While you are here, I wanted to share this immensely funny Harry Potter vignette with you, courtesy of a Finnish blog writer, whom I hope to hunt down and fill with beers while […]

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