Secession

Three bits for ya.

* * *

“As of today, certain parts of the United States have seceded from the whole, and founded a new state called the Republic of America. The secessionary areas include… uh, they appear to include all of the United States except the district of Podunk, New Jersey.”

“The secessionist state of America has announced it will not consider itself the inheritor or successor of the United States’s debts, obligations or alliances.”

“Bill Bobley, the mayor of Podunk, apparently the de facto president of the United States after the defection of the entire organ of state, has expressed befuddlement at this new development. On hearing of the demand by Igor Igorov, the Russian Financial Minister, that due to the peculiarity of the situation, the rump United States was expected to pay the 119.6 billion dollars it owed to Russia by the end of the week, or face sanctions, Bobley expressed indignation, horror, and a sound roughly described as ‘Gnii-ughaaah.'”

* * *

“Hi, Bob. Come in.”

“Hiya. What’s with the uniform?”

“Joined the army.”

“What, does the Finnish army have funny outfits like that now?”

“No, but the army of Me does.”

“What?”

“I seceded. Delivered the papers to the Foreign Ministry today; ‘by a solemn proclamation and will of the people’ and so on. I am now a state of my own, population one, and area this house of mine. And now I’m declaring a war on Finland. En garde, you invading Finn! Out of the state of Me!”

“What’re you doing with that gun? Hey!”

“Death to foreign scum!”

“Aargh-gurgle-uff!”

“Well, that settles that. Now to call the Finnish Foreign Ministry to negotiate an armistice and a peace; how lucky that there was only one casualty in this little border skirmish of ours, and things did not escalate.”

“Argle-gargle.”

“Hush. I’m sure between states we can let bygones be bygones. Maybe we’ll even negotiate a union of Me and Finland; it would be in the best interests of both.”

* * *

“Well, so now the two of us have seceded from the Republic of Finland. What do we do now?”

“I intend to continue in the Republic of Us that what was somewhat unsuccessful in the Republic of Me.”

“So, what happened to you?”

“Finland refused to negotiate; the Republic was overran and the entire population thrown into a prison for breaking the Finnish law. Damned peculiar, I say.”

“So, er, what’re you going to do now?”

“See this gun here?”

“Gaah! Argle! Gargle! You shot me!”

“Don’t worry; as the Supreme Lord Commander of the Republic of Us, population two… sorry, one… I will make sure this affair is fully investigated.”

One Response to “Secession”

  1. Iason Ouabache Says:

    I’m disappointed that there isn’t actually a town called Podunk, NJ. There is one in New York state though.

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