Metal monkeys

Guardian tells of a study of the effects of music on (tamarin) monkeys; to quote,

The only human music that elicited any response was the heavy metal band Metallica, whose music had the unexpected effect of calming the monkeys.

Okay, this is how I’m going to react to this —

“See? The glory of heavy metal music is so universal and apparent that even monkeys can see it! You should be ashamed if you can’t see something even monkeys can see! Now dress in black and start moshing that hair!

(Shortly followed by “It is only the obstinate wilfulness and denial of the elitist doubter that prevents him from seeing the utter magnificence of metal; amen!”, and snickering at the apologist trope put to a different use.)

As for the calming effect, well, I don’t especially get any desire to jump around swinging my hair when I hear metal. It is the best music there is; it makes me happy and for me that is a calm state. For others moshing, lighter-waving and screaming, maybe, but when you do most of your listening from Winamp alone an excess of that might be taken as a sign of debility.

I think this also means that if I get attacked by a bear I should belt out some Bal-Sagoth the best I can to soothe the savage beast. If nothing else, it would be an exceptional demise.

And Bal-Sagoth because, while I like it, it being the only deathgruntblackmetal band I can actually listen to without my ears charring and dropping off, it also is something that would when chanted, in addition to possibly calming wild animals, drive any human being into wild, diarrhea-flecked flight.

Because living in a city and all it could just as well be a yahoo in a bearsuit.

Just trying to be prepared, okay?

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