Leprachaun defence tactics

“Hi. Why so glum?”

“Temporary financial difficulty.”

“How come?”

“Gave all my money to a green-clad leprachaun who promised to double it.”

“What, that midget who lives in the apartment next to you? Bob?”

“He said he was a magical leprachaun.”

“That’s dim.”

“Hey, just because it’s not your belief does not give you the right to call me dim.”


“Are you so scared of people who have faith in leprachauns that you have to proclaim them stupid without even knowing them? And their rich traditions? And their leprachaunist covens?”

“What the…”

“Not so strident now, eh?”

“Wait. It’s not that I disagree, though I do; it’s that you’re bloody wrong.”

“So now it’s swearing, huh? I’ll have you know, I’m not one of those full-bore Celtic nutters; I believe in both leprachauns and in evolution!”

“Er, that’s nice —”

“And several of the people in my coven do too! One of them is a doctor! Consider that!”

“I… I suddenly feel sick but wish I didn’t.”

Wish? So now it’s genie-bashing time, huh? Anything will do as long as it’s the Other, huh? Genies and leprachauns can coexist, hater!”

“I am —”

“Hater! Hater! Hater!

“Listen now; I think there are very good reasons to believe that there are no —”

“But no proof?”

“Well, obviously science, not being mathematics or some other purely symbolical discipline, does not deal in proof but evidence and best hypotheses —

“So there may be leprachauns?”

“Well, far be it from me to claim any complete metaphysical certitude, though provisionally —”

“Hallelujah! Another convert to the cause! I’ll phone the leprachaun and put you in for… how about a hundred, for starters?”

“Now wait, you. What reasons do you have for believing this man is a leprachaun?”

“Debate is good — mud-slinging and hatred are not.”


“Hater! Hater! Hater!

“Are you done y—”

“Hater! You don’t have a Ph.D. in leprachaunology, do you?”

“Well —”

“Not even a M.Sc., huh? Haven’t read the chemist Dr. Teehee’s the Magickal Green Box, have you? Or Shaughnessy O’Augustine on fairie gold economics? No? So what gives you the right to come lecturing about the fine points of leprachaunology to me, huh? See this — paid fifty and a stamp to get it; don’t come coming to a Ph.D., you!”

“‘Ph.D. Diploma, Mills School of Leprachaunology’? But, er, what do the details have to do with the question of whether or not leprachauns and other fairies exist?”

“No-one believes in fairies anymore. They are symbolological. Allegorical. All that. And don’t bring up the whackaloons at the Fairies Liberation Front. And don’t go making sweeping statements about all Celticists like that.”

“So… why?”

“Consider my doctor friend, hater. Would he believe unless there was a good reason?”

“Er, I don’t know what kind of a person he —”

“There you go again, hating people you’ve never met. You’re just as fanatical as the Fairies Liberation Front. Planning to put a car bomb somewhere, hater? Or gonna shut us up some other way? Huh?”

“I — I don’t want to shut you up. I just wish you would stop interrupting me so we could have a civil —”

“Methinks you doth protest too much.”


“Oh, and could you lend me a fiver?”

* * *

Remember all, demagoguery beats fact-based reasoning every single time.

One Response to “Leprachaun defence tactics”

  1. Bob O'H Says:

    Oh, you’re going after demagogues too, eh? Are you sure you know what you’re doing? Really?

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