The adventures of Zen master Goto

I

A novice presented Zen master Goto with the question of a dog’s Buddha-nature. Master Goto answered, saying “Fuck you”, and at that moment the novice was enlightened.

II

A novice came to Zen master Goto and asked if a dog had Buddha-nature. Upon him asking this, Goto killed him with a hatchet and buried his body in the garden, under the cypress tree. When this all came to light, Goto said: “Buddha made me do it.”

III

The policeman asked: “Who is Buddha?” Goto said, “What is Buddha?” and ran.

(This koan is also told as follows. The policeman asked: “Who is Buddha?” Goto said, “If you meet Buddha, kill him.” Then he ran.)

IV

The FBI investigator asked Goto, “Why is there a body in your garden?” Goto said this was indeed so. The investigator repeated his question. Goto said, “To answer your question, you must unask it.”

V

The FBI investigator said to Goto, “I know who you are now.” Goto said, “Five pounds of flax?” The investigator said, “Now I am certain, but I am not enlightened.”

VI

The first neighbor said, “Goto is a very nice, quiet little man. Keeps to himself, but everyone likes him.” The second neighbor said, “Goto is a bit too nice, too quiet little man. Keeps to himself too much, even if everyone likes him.” The reporter was enlightened.

VII

The Zen master Goto was brought before a judge. He was fined for contempt of court.

VIII

The newspaper said: “Mad Monk Massacre Mayhem! Senator Says US Soft On The Zen Terror Menace!” Goto said, “The Zenator has killed the mind of logic.”

IX

The Zen master Goto was in prison, making license plates. They all said “MU”, and nothing more. There were 964 of them. The guard supervisor was enlightened and fired.

X

The criminal said, “You have dropped your soap.” “The soap is meaningless”, said Goto. He bent to pick it up anyway.

XI

The criminal said, “You have dropped your soap.” “Oh pull the other one”, Goto said. “Does a dog have Buddha-nature?” the criminal asked. Goto bent over.

XII

Goto had a novice. The novice said, “What can you give to me?” Goto said, “Five pounds of flax.” Then Goto had five novices. Goto said, “I do not have five pounds of flax.” He had no disciples after that.

* * *

The worst/best thing is, after a while you begin to think that there’s something in writing these; which as far as I understand Zen Buddhism (about 1.2 inches) is not what you are supposed to begin to think.

Oh, and the name Goto is lifted from the programming command that is widely considered bad form, much like the activities of ZM Goto above, and my doings in writing a piss-take like this.

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