Of wanting to have someone else’s babies

It’s a shame some expressions would be all squicky if I used them.

One that comes to mind is the instinctive, irrational and seldom realized idolizing cry of “Ohmigosh it’s N.N.! I love your work! I want to have your babies!”

(Well, that cry has other problems too; what if the target recoils and screams “You child kidnappers again? Guards!“, huh?)

Now, that “works” if the adorer is female and the (uh) adoree a male; but modify those and things won’t work well at all.

  • Man to a man: “If I was homosexual and had a womb and all the requisite biological equipment, I would be deliriously happy if you impregnated me!” (Most probable answer: “Wait, what?” followed in some cases by “Let me ask my agent first.” or “Couldn’t you use some kind of a pouch?”)
  • Man to a woman: “I adore you so much I would not mind if a cunning surgeon switched our genitalia and you made me pregnant!” (Probable answer: “Well, I would.”)
  • Woman to a woman: “You, I and a sperm bank: what a dream it would be!” (Probable answer: “What a dream? Um, a bad dream?”)

Spare answers to most of the cases:

  • “I don’t see how that would be biologically possible.”
  • “Er, no.”
  • “Okay; drop your pants and bend over.”
  • “…and this is my life partner, Androgynia.”
  • “I have been waiting for this.”
  • “Hey, thanks for a nifty plot. Interested in co-authoring?”

Okay, that last one is much too improbable.

I wonder if there’s place for other extravagant expressions of utter adoration towards your favorite author/actor/august personage; such things are possible, but I haven’t heard them used.

  • “If you were in a car crash, I would donate you my liver. Even if it killed me. I’ve already stopped drinking, just in case.”
  • “I have made my flesh into a shrine to your genius. May I show it to you?”
  • “I read on your blog you had a rash. I have very good skin. I want to give it to you. I’ve already reserved a plastic surgeon. Can I have your rashy skin, or do you want to keep it? I’m not greedy.”
  • “Here’s my passport. I want you to have it so you have a secret identity. So if you need to leave the country after killing somebody, or something. Because if you did it, I’m sure they would have deserved it.”
  • “Your books saved my sanity. Especially when you came to my dreams and spoke to me. Tell me; who do I dispatch of next?”

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