Have I got news for ya

Partial repost: Three pieces, two old and one new, of demented, bad Christmas poetry courtesy of yours truly.

New times

Silent night
Quiet night
All are a-bed
But one still moves
A bearded zealous fella
With odd parcels for places —
Police shot Santa
“A terrorist for sure!”

And the second, which rather sounds like something I should found a cult around:

New Santa

Dasher, Gasher, Blaster!
Donner, Blitzen, Endzeit!
On, my beauties!
Fill the night with the tempest of your passing!
On! On like a stormcloud! Like a trumpet blast!
From the frozenest, busiest Hell,
From the darkest place of eyes,
From where all good and evil is seen —
Over the sleeping world like a thief in the night!
Like a plague at the gates!
All is seen, all judged;
A mistletoed door is no barrier to me!
All are seen, all judged;
Now avert your eyes from the skies!
The day of your judgment is here,
The night of your rewards has come:
Your skies thunder, and your roof groaneth;
Your hearth-embers a-scatter
Your lids almost a-flutter —
Mystery of mysteries tonight, for
Your Yule God is here!
Now him all hail! Hail! Hail!

Well, here’s the third, a new one. This consists mostly of a vague idea derailing:

Thule Santa

There’s this Ultima Thule
This place near north pole
Where green goblins toil
And horned beasts neigh —
There rules an immortal
Heavy with sin and worry
White of beard, black of soul
Who once every year is
Allowed to the skies for a while
By the whim of some mad god:
Coal and twigs and emptiness
Are what weigh his sleigh, and
Worse still are its pullers, and
Worst of all the shadows after it.
And, er, sorry to confuse ya:
Ain’t Santa, but his evil brother Bob.
Bob Claus, the ang’l o’ wurst brats.

And it basically tells all you need to know of my poetic ambitions if you look again at those two last words.


I’ve heard some people name their cats “Mittens”. How this works I don’t have a clue — and isn’t that animal abuse no matter which way you do it? — but I admire the brutal honesty. The cat may not know what’s ahead for it; but at least your neighbors do.

(But shouldn’t it be “Mitten”? You need two of them for a pair, after all…)

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