Atheist in the church: some suggestions

Genealogical research has revealed that deep in my ancestry there’s a rude fellow — ancestry research tends to reveal only the rude fellows, because they are set down in the official records of prosecution and punishment; saints disappear without a trace — that gained come notoriety when he, inflamed either by drink or by his sheer Finnish character, tore up an orderly church Sunday by yelling, making faces and body noises, prancing up and down the aisle, and the like.

He pissed under the deputy priest’s stool, too.


Of his punishment for this I currently have no idea; but maybe this convinces you that when you want behavior tips for the prayer meeting, I’d a source of a certain kind. So, here goes: some suggestions for atheists that have to attend a church service.

  • Stand up, shake your fist at the heavens or at the vicar, and scream: “There is no God! And if there is, may he strike me dead, dumb and three kinds of a peculiar color!”
  • If that is too much, flip your Old Testament open to the spell contest between the priests of Yahweh and of Baal and study that for tips. Challenge the vicar. Taunt if necessary.
  • Whisper commentary on the reading of the week to the people around you. Phrases such as “Not documented”, “Contradicted by archaeological evidence”, “Impossible in those numbers”, “Quirinius and Herod at the same time? Seriously, guys!” and “What? You’re thanking the guy for genocide?” may come handy.
  • Whenever the Holy Ghost is mentioned, start humming the Ghostbusters theme. Loudly, if you can.
  • The collection plate — well, help along with commentary. Slip in a condom.
  • If there’s a choir, try “Freebird!” Also the upraised lighter.
  • A minute before the priest steps out of his nook, saunter in in a black robe and tie-on horns, step up to the podium, and raise your hands with a loud “Loyal followers, all hail Sat— oh wait, it’s not Monday is it? Wrong service; my bad; carry on” — and then leave.
  • A second before a hymn starts, start (loudy if you can) singing the Star-Spangled Banner or some similar popular tune known to all. See if you can get others to join in.
  • Overappreciate the communion. “Oh my God! It’s delicious! The Lamb of God, you say? The food of gods, I say! Jesus, let me chow down on you some more! Let me lick your — ey, vicar! Seconds, please! I’m a heavy-duty sinner meat-eater and I need more!” (“Do you have a bag so I can take the rest home?”)
  • Alternately, when the priest comes to you during the communion, wink and stage-whisper: “So, they let crossdressers in now, do they? Jolly good!”

These are the things I think up when I have to attend a service; relatives, you know. Good thing I don’t have to do that more often or I’d be tempted.

2 Responses to “Atheist in the church: some suggestions”

  1. jonolan Says:

    Why would one of the Godless be in a place of Worship? More importantly, why would any group of humans encourage one of the Godless to foul their company with its presence?

  2. Iason Ouabache Says:

    Whisper commentary on the reading of the week to the people around you…

    You forgot to add [citation needed] to your list. ;) Merry Christmas, btw.

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