Need to review your least favorite artist?

Knocked up a few short reviews of music yesterday; as they’re unattached opinions, they’re now ready for the next time I happen to hear something I’m not impressed by.

With me and the music of today (and most of the music of yesterday) it’s either pre-preparation or stuttering apoplexy, you see.

* * *

“For this work, the usual scale of one to five stars is not enough. There ought to be negative ones.”

“He is an artist of rare and exceptional skill, truly a master among the very best of his kind. He has taken the lessons of Torquemada and Mather to heart, and knows where to place the needle of his music to elicit exactly the reaction he wants.”

“By the third track it was clear the single star we were planning to award him was in grave danger of collapsing into a black hole.”

“roughly 500 mGe” (Note: Geneva, abbreviated “Ge”, is a unit defined as “the amount of sensory horror that, after one minute of exposure, would result in a breach of the Geneva Convention for the Ethical Treatment of Prisoners of War.” A video of 500 mGe would get you dragged to Haag if you showed two minutes of it to a captive audience. Watching a music channel for a couple of hours is almost guaranteed to give you exposure in excess of 1 kGe, and momentary spikes of 5 MGe or more are not unknown. 666 MGe is both the theoretical upper limit of what a human mind can see in an eyeblink between changing channels without disintegrating totally, and the seeming goal for most modern poprockrap.)

“That this musician is popular is one of the best arguments ever raised for the compulsory mass sterilization of everyone under thirty years of age.”

“If he had come to Satan to sell his soul for musical success, his soul wouldn’t have been enough for a foul miracle of such magnitude.”

“He makes deafness seem attractive.”

“Some live performers are showered with roses or delicate female undergarments; he is one of the first to have a ball gag thrown at him.”

“Should come with a screwdriver for an impromptu memory-adjusting lobotomy.”

“This record was not released. It was committed. Anyone admitting a liking for it should be, too.”

“His latest album is about suffering. Unfortunately the suffering is not that of the artist, but of the listener.”

“His debut album is reason enough to wish him a long and successful career in some other business.”

“His is a name that will be remembered. Possibly as an euphemism for liquid human waste.”

“His music is nasal whining to the tune of tinnitus. It cannot be recommended.”

“His work is unique. This is a fact for which this reviewer feels immense gratitude.”

“This discordant, distorted cacophony of mewling and muffled clattering is too removed from all decent music to be useful even as a stereo test CD.”

“His concerts end not with shouts of ‘Encore!’ but with screams of ‘No more!'”

“The video is a entertaining thing, and the music does not distract one much from watching it.”

“His music is a difficult listen — mostly because your own screaming and sobbing will get in the way.”

“When the future generations need a byword for unforeseen and lasting popular success and unshakable commitment to personal artistic integrity, they will have two supreme examples to choose from: our current subject, and the incomparable Florence Foster Jenkins.”

“He says his music springs from his upbringing. This reviewer can only deduce he was brought up in a burning outhouse.”

“He is a serious musician. With his talents he has nothing to be happy about.”

“This reviewer does not think it a coincidence that his latest album is both ‘inspired by social issues and injustices’ and dedicated to his fandom.”

“His albums after the first were like recurring syphilis after a night of wild sex, with the exception that there is a cure for syphilis.”

“There is a thin line between Insanity and Genius. Far from that line there is the place called Abomination, and that is where our star is to be sought.”

“He is a musician to the same degree as Josef Mengele was a doctor.”

“Considering his talents, his arrogance is easily mistaken for humility.”

“He does not play what the audience wants; he plays what he himself wants. He apparently wants the audience to suffer.”

* * *

Oh, one more thing. Namely about a male artist and female fans throwing their underpants at him during a concert. That might be a bit creepy if you switched the sexes of the persons involved, and the related undergarment. (“Longjohns away! Woo!”)

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