Animal show

So there are dog shows; winners for the Best Chihuahua on Show and the like.

There are, I am informed by the news agency, even similar quality-appreciation shows for pet rabbits. There apparently are several very distinct races of those. (Which somehow reminds me of the Cats That Look Like Hitler site. “Vhat? Dovn vith zer monkrel kasual pet bunni zeries!”)

There are human-appreciation shows, too, the various Miss and Mister flesh pageants, but that’s tangential. (And not one, as far as I know, awards “Best Nordic Female in Show”; that would no doubt make a weird what-if-Nazis-had-won story.)

Dogs, bunnies, cats, horses too: but how many others? I think I’ve heard about shows for cows, and sheep shows (other than that over at the red light district; that’s a gal dressed as a sheep and a boy as the randy farmer that ends up pitchforking… but, er, I don’t know anything about that), and similar things for other farm animals, but I think they’re more like car shows, being more about the prospective buyers than about the individual beasts.

So how about snakes and pet spiders? (“Would everyone please remain seated. We have a case of a missing, er, a missing Giant Leaping Clutchnid, er, not where it should be. Er, I am informed it is a she. A she. Name is ‘Sucker’ but it, er, she, she does not answer to that. What? No, she does not answer positively to that.”)

What about the really exotic pets? “Panic at skunk show: seven injured, cleaning will take weeks”?

“Would the winner and her tortoise come forward to… accept… their… oh, for Heavens’ sake, carry the critter!” (And doesn’t “Carrie Critter” sound just like an environmentally conscious rocker? Possibly one that visits the sheep show.)

“Er, Miss Wormwood, what did I do over the weekend? Well I went to the, er, the exhibition show thing with my mom and Ernest. Ernest’s her pet. And it was like really cool when they announced and said mom should come up to accept the award for the Best Ass in Show! It was something like how it was so big an’ round an’ hairy an’ shiny an’… er, Miss Wormwood, er, did I say something funny? Everyone said she had the Best Ass in Show, an’ kept coming back to look an’ rub it an’ put carrots in — Aw! Not the ruler! Not the ruler! What did I say?”

Pet rocks?

“And the golden medal in the granite series goes to… Cheneyheart, Michael Michaelson’s adorable three-pounder from Yoink, Colorado! Bravo! And next up, the heavyweights and paperweights categories, and then what you all’ve been waiting for: get ready for rubble!

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