Short takes: VD, vampires, nonconsensual fiction

The natural abbreviation for Valentine’s Day is… VD.

Ha ha ha.

* * *

Should be taken as a humorous observation, not as a mention that’ll make some chocolate-receiving person of yesterday freeze, choke, and then run to the sink stuffing fingers in her throat.

Come to think of that, there’s the old urban legend of a one-night stand that ends with the woman gone, and a lipstick message of “welcome to the aids club” written on the bathroom mirror. Lipstick is a dramatic feminine way of writing it, but I’m drawing a blank on what would be, sexes reversed, a suitably shockingly masculine way to express the same.

All I’m getting is a can of shaving cream and (a) that’s not something a guy usually carries with him, and (b) feck all if you smudge the “club” and have to start over.

Plus you probably have to use the bathroom wall or shower curtain or something because the mirror is just too damn small.

* * *

With the midnight sun and all, I don’t think there are plenty of vampires in arctic regions. Sunlight 20 or 22 hours a day is a wee bit troublesome. Can’t recall any vampire story mentioning this, but that’s probably more a sign of me not having read enough vampire stories.

Imagine a Finnish vampire: just for safety’s sake, sleeping for six months, then staying awake for six more to take all out of the glorious near-continual darkness. (I’d do that if I could. But no matter how hairy a forest-dweller you are, you just can’t hibernate.)

* * *

With Internet, realitybombing might be pretty easy.

And with realitybombing I don’t mean anything as crude as making a fake article on Wikipedia — that’s not only crude but also rude, and something that simply will not stick. (Or so I’m told.)

But if you had some semi-plausible lie, and wanted to know how many people it would fool — well, post a question on (say) Yahoo Answers, and answer it. The casual reader won’t suppose both the asker and the answerer are full of it. (Avoid the appearance of snark. Be the nice and informative “this best answered my question” guy. Then be the gruff “google for it moron” guy.)

Slash together a fan page about the general subject, and add a news item. (Don’t worry, Google will bring the seekers to you. Just remember your keywords.)

If you’re a moderator at some forum, or know one that isn’t rigorously moderated, start a discussion; have co-conspirators or sockpuppets chime in, all seemingly knowing and eager. (For maximum effect lock the thread. Vaguely allude to non-online sources.)

Post an angry Youtube video ranting against the thing, the damned awful wicked thing… and start a war in the comments. (Whether pro or con wins doesn’t matter, as long as the commenters clearly are not doubting the thing’s reality. If someone else pops in to inquire, be vicious and dismissive. Oh, and since sockpuppeting is bad form, it would be good to have four, five people doing this — for division of labor alone. And no prong of this attack has same usernames than the others.)

Register a blog or two, swipe a few posts from your “I haz free time I writed this” repository (a person that would do something like this has such a thing), and then write a post about the Subject. Then comment on it. Flame, maybe.

Space these things out, false-date them if you can, or choose a subject that’s “new”. Then wait.

You’ll probably not see the accidental first discovery, the perplexment, the frenzied googling and the breaking of disbelief; but then again you wouldn’t do this just to giggle in someone’s face, would you? No, there’s a more elevated pleasure in giving the gift of discord: in knowing that somewhere, somewhen, someone’s stepped into a netherworld of uncertainty and the weird.

Ha ha ha.

Good subjects would be ones without obvious sources; possibly foreign happenings. Not vague enough to be urban legends; but not concrete enough to be traced down without physical trouble. Not incredible enough to be pure woo-ery; but not mundane enough to attract no attention, catch no imagination, either. Not straight jokes, either: not the type of “cow elected mayor in Norway”, but ones that aren’t quite jokes, or shout-outs to fiction, but instead simple world weirds.

And why no, I’m not going to define that.

(The idea for this was a mention of Haruhi Suzumiya’s Endless Eight — the anime’s characters are stuck in a time loop and thus the near-exact same events happen episode after episode after episode — which would be ideal for this except (a) it’s true and (b) it’s a bit too much to stick.)

* * *

And if you happened here by Google, drawn by the “nonconsensual fiction” part of the title… hah! Search again.

2 Responses to “Short takes: VD, vampires, nonconsensual fiction”

  1. Iason Ouabache Says:

    RE: Arctic vampires. There was a graphic novel/movie called “30 Days of Night” that features vampires taking over the town of Barrow, Alaska during the pitch black of winter. I have not read/watched either one so I can not attest to the quality of the story.

  2. masksoferis Says:

    Hmm. Haven’t seen that. And for some reason I read that and thought: “You never see Santa Claus during summertime, or his ‘elves’ during daylight. But when the darkest time of year comes around — and a polar crypt creaks open, and something festively red, white and green stumbles out, angry-red of eye, corpse-white of skin, er, mildew-green of clothing, and monstrously hungry after a year of fasting — he comes flying, accompanied by quadrupeds (reindeer, though, not wolves), has problems with entrance (you ask me, going down a chimney is a lot harder than getting invited in), drinks his fill (cocoa, they tell us, but why do the children have to be asleep when he comes? So they won’t fight back?), and then he leaves, red of cheek, bloated of belly, gasping breath but a “ho ho ho” void of words, to sleep, full as a tick, only to emerge hungry and skeletal the next year.”

    “As this much is obviously true, and just as obviously (well duh) the presents are not Santa-related but come from parents etc. (hello, Virginia!), it seems a reasonable hypothesis that Santa Claus… or should we say, Santa Klaus von Nosferatu! …is a vampire.”

    “Come December I’m going for wreathes of garlic, not pine.”

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