The complement of a category

Wait — if you have an atheistic podcast, it sits uneasily in “Religion and spirituality”, but doesn’t really fit in any other intuitive or common category either. That makes one wonder if one could think up other “we dislike this category” podcasts —

  • “We hate sport” — Being fit is one thing; being an exhibitionist prick about it is quite another, to say nothing of the jackoffs that actually watch that flesh-strutting fiesta. Sport is aesthetically and morally dubious, a waste of precious time and resources, a pox on humanity and a pit of dashed hopes and futureless youths with torn tendons and empty heads. Some sports are so dull they will make you dumb and blind; some are population-picked and honed to such equality the medals are nothing but a toss of dice; all produce less of value than the most hackneyed formula-pop filler album ever made. Also, most competitions are just an excuse for pseudo-military nationalistic racist xenophobic prick-waving. We are Johnny and Pep, we hate sport, and we’re gonna tell you at great length why you should hate sport too. Also we do a monthly tally of doping busts, crippling injuries, and rally cars careening into the audience, just to remind you of the cost of the futilest venture of all.
  • “No opinions, no talk” — Some people are ready to tell you what the news mean, and how the world should be. We are not those people. We are Herbert, Duke and Flynn of “No opinions, no talk”, and we don’t have segments, or guests, or analysis, or commentary. No, we just fart into the mike or bash it against the closest wall, because we’re not gonna tell you a thing.
  • “Never leave your house” — Travel is overrated. Overpriced too. And if you don’t get diarrhea, it’s malaria or syphilis. Why risk robbery, avalanches and bear attacks for a few knick-knacks you can get off Ebay? Why hazard life and limb for a few shoddy snaps of scenes soon forgotten? With Flickr you can find professional pics, and don’t anyways have to endure the screaming hawkers or the constant burning smell of urine, and that’s just Detroit. And what of the soul-crushing tedium and mind-blowing paranoia of the actual travel — when you imagine a vacation abroad, start with a sky-blue shoulder-length reusable latex glove. In this alternative of ours, today we walk around the fridge one more time, and re-visit the Walk-In Closet of Clothes!
  • “Rock digest” — Technology bad. Computers sinful. This podcast thing suspicious. Join Grak as Grak searches for shiny rocks and bangs them together. This week Grak also bash iPhone between rocks because Steve Jobs thing symbol for technology… and technology bad.
  • “No to fiction!” — Today our guest is Linda Upright from the Church of Dear Lord, Michigan. She’s here to tell us witchcraft doesn’t work as portrayed in the Harry Potter books. Magus Willowbright Shadowystream of the Cult of Magna Mater agrees, and asks: “Is that Rowling woman just making this stuff up?”
  • “Slug & Lard” — Say no to health and fitness! Like Flabby says, “better have seven fat years than fourteen lean ones” — Flabby being one half — or three-halves — of Slug & Lard’s hosts; the other three-halves, Pete McSlug, being more of the opinion that “we all die eventually, fit or no, so give me the munchies!” After the break great fun ensues as Flabby eats pebbles “because the boids do it”, while Pete decreases his fitness by getting a vasectomy… with a dirty fork!
  • “Woo for Joo” — ON HIATUS. Your hosts Sue and Slappy are busy gathering material for the next season, including such hard-hitting exposes as “Rectal bleeding — a sign from God?”, “The true face of eating live animals”, “Bratwurst cures and causes all cancers!” and “Reverse Life: Better health through an all-nutritional all-enema diet”.
  • “Family? No thanks” — What is “family programming”? Why, it seems to be crap that is juvenile enough to amuse the kids, with some slyness within to make the grown-ups chortle. None of that sissy stuff here. In our High Octane Nightmare Fuel Theater we stage slow, dreamy audiodramas that the adults will think bland but child-friendly; the children will be bed-wetting insomniacs for weeks, and then grow up to be bullies, drug addicts, spree shooters or jaywalkers. (Guaranteed by our very own child psychologist Dr. Jay “What scruples?” Scrupila.) Also, don’t forget our randomly scheduled and always surprising Goatse Audio Interruption! It’s just what it sounds like!
  • “So you want comedy?” — Okay. Listen up, you titter-happy punks. This show will make your sense of humor die. We air excruciatingly long, painful examples from Prank Call Bob’s Archives of Unfunny Failure — with all the sobbing, hysteria, breakdowns, mental episodes, horrible timing and abuse left in. Including the time Bob-as-a-Medium called a woman who had just lost nine family members in a plane crash. Including the time Bob spent 22 minutes mutely listening to a girl weeping after his “Hello! You are ugly!” routine happened to come at the end of the worst day of all days; we still don’t know if she was serious about killing herself. Including the times Bob encouraged a wifebeater, caused a three-fatality traffic accident, made a man throw his dog out a seventh-story window, and cost another chap his job and marriage! Each call whole and unedited, including Bob’s crying and sobbing after the call was finally, finally over and he knew he had to make a replacement to amuse you sick little monsters who think this kind of stuff is funny.
  • “Olds” — As the poet Laszlo said, “what is new is ephemeral, uncertain, and without worth or permanence”. For this reason we rerun Snappawilliditch Community Announcements from 1980 to 2001, whole, unedited and uncommented. Gramma’s pies may be sold already and that movie showing is long shown, but at least it isn’t news. (Please note we run the same announcements every show.)
  • “Not edible” — But we still try!

That’d be it for Sport, Talk Radio, Travel, Tech, Fiction, Health and Fitness, Science, Family, Comedy, News and Food.

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