Horoscopes for those who believe them

Aries (The Ram) — Like all Arians, you are a blonde, blue-eyed white-skinned member of the Master Race. Avoid cross-burning and miscegenation this week; consider marriage to a comely cousin. Do not buy from the Jews, the Catholics, the Foreigners, the Out-of-Towners and Those Not Related To You.

Taurus (The Bull) — According to Nostradamus, those born under this sign will have vague good luck for the next month or two. Or bad luck, maybe. Is ‘Le Gog’ evil or not? Beware of men, rivers and other things named Hister.

Gemini (The Twins) — The voices from under your bed are a reliable different source of knowledge. Live joyously with realities for which there is no easy explanation. If known, that knowledge would become just one narrative among others. Embrace a compassionate lifestyle to break out of the prism of selfhood. Love the heart bliss joy tradition century logos dedicated intellectual endeavor Charter for Compassion process.

Cancer (The Disease) — Don’t worry. Here’s the secret: vitamins can cure what ails ya. (If they don’t work, it’s your fault.)

Leo (The Lion) — You are the Second Coming of Jesus Christ. Your plans for a survivalist compound are justified. Read 2 Judges for more revelations. Always keep a banana with you, just in case; it is a great weapon against demons and atheists.

Virgo (The Virgin) — Abstinence awaits. Be careful where you step and sit lest you do so on a miraculous appearance of the Mother of God… who is watching everything you do.

Libra (The Scales) — A quart of wheat for a day’s wages, and three quarts of barley for a day’s wages, and do not damage the wheatgrass juice!

Opiuchus (The Snake-Holder) — The President is one of us now. Beware of the Greys; they have broken the Covenant of Roswell. Do not let yourself be caught on video.

Shedu (Winged Front-Hammurabi, Back-Ox Creature) — You are the Law. The Truth is Out There. Beware of people with Big Feet, They May Be Aliens. There Can Be Only One. Singularity Is A Damnable Lie.

Capricorn (The Sea-Goat) — Faulty life-support system led to aborting the Apollo program. Moon landing was faked in abandoned US Army Air Corps desert base. Elliot Whitter blew whistle, was erased. Stay low and start a blog.

Hau syu gau (Monkey Rat Dog) — You are inquisitive, flexible, forthright, tenacious, intelligent, open-minded, and liable to eat a portion of tiger penis now and then. Also this just in: you are vain, selfish, vindictive, self-destructive, cynical, and cold. How’s them apples?

Aquarius (The Water Bearer) — Caution urged following ‘quack buster’ campaign to discredit homeopathy. Be cautious when responding to phone calls and e-mails.

Pisces (Fish) — There is plenty of fishiness all around. Don’t worry: you are right in every opinion you hold, and your mind is an unerring machine of observation. Here’s an armchair. Beware of the bandwagon effect, confirmation bias, the clustering illusion, disregard of the regression toward the mean, false memories, the framing effect, the gambler’s fallacy, the just-world phenomenon, the limits of the third chimpanzee, self-fulfilling prophecies, stereotyping, survivorship bias, false memories, the von Restorff effect and the need for closure.

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