Good causes

from “The Charitable Giver’s Directory of Those In Need (Non-Adult)”, HarperBigThickBook, 2007.

45012 Moral intervention in rural environments. Protecting herbivores from carnivorous acts of murder and worse since 1985. Several donation levels such as “Fox Stopper” (5 e/mo), “Wolf Stomper” (10 e/mo) and “Bear Eviscerator” (20 e/mo). Protected targets mostly hares, dormice, bees; also sheep in association with the Finnish Canine Leadership League. Recently partnered with the European League Against Infant Genocide by Evil Cuckoo Vermin.

* * *

45013 Long-term decrease of unemployment numbers is our mission. Careful, measured action through restructuring the populace. No violence involved; no association with Eat The Poor League. At least 90% of donations go to our “Neuter the Newlyweds” campaign, aiming at decreasing the yearly number of new workplace entrants by 5% in 20 years.

* * *

45014 Heritage foundation for endangered cultural practices. In desperate need of volunteers. Will require transfer of citizenship to Lower Helholia for legal reasons. Many open slots in Aztec sun worship, Medieval witch processing, and Hebraic lithopunishment. Dulce et decorum est pro taurus mori.

* * *

45015 Donations sought. Registered nonprofit. University education reform for giving the graduate capabilities to cope, obtain success as a hard-hitting, dog-eat-dog, defeat-not-an-option professional achiever. Goals: introducing physical abuse, cannibalism, amoral drug regimen and performance enhancing brain surgery, other highly motivating and habit-forming practices, to bachelors and masters students.

* * *

45015b Alternate career paths. Help fund our free three-year M.Ea. course in Furry Arts and Public Chihuahua Swallowing. It may be a dog eat dog world out there for someone!

* * *

45016 Friends of Gorgias. Nothing exists. Even if something exists, nothing can be known about it. Even if something can be known about it, knowledge about it can’t be communicated to others. All other philosophies are incoherent. Please help us tell others we are being digested by an amoral universe.

* * *

45017 Active Christianity. Religious charity. Every moment of life is a temptation. Dallying in this worthless material world only brings us ever closer to hell. Help your fellow man. Help before it is too late. We campaign for the decriminalization of genocide.

* * *

45018 Smallpox Preparedness Society. It will come back. We must be prepared. Many entertaining smallpox-themed activities for the whole family.

* * *

45019 Help-A-Student-Go Fund. All donations go in full to Matt Hossman, 3rd year economics student at Vonderpferde University, Vjird Neimes, Holland. Donors over 100 e will get a personalized letter of thanks from Matt, and a photo. Just 2 e will feed Matt for a day!

* * *

45020 Fecal Matter Trust. What it says on the tin. Give regularly, give often.

* * *

45021 Thug and Flunkie Pool. We are a 501(c) nonprofit that connects young aspiring millionaires and gang bosses to capable and motivated thugs, bruisers, goons, igors, stormtroopers, flunkies, henchpersons, toadies, lackeys, lickspittles and scum. Half of our funds come from the Lisp and Hump Foundation; the other is collected from private donors. Donors get full 100% Mongolian Death Worm attack immunity. This is not a protection racket. Donate now.

* * *

45022 Emotional Protection Racket. We feed starving children. Donate now or you will feel like shit for days. Donation implies willingness to receive our bimonthly “Thank you for helping!” package, complete with pictures of beaten-looking skeletal kids, horrendous statistics of continuing misery in their home region, “Will we still go on?” in big despairing letters, and a pre-filled cheque.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s