The future of birth control: “Press ESC to abort”.
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The future of pets: after a bit of gene manipulation you can carry it in your pocket, and pet it more than ever before — it’s the Sex Kitten!
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Compromise on (theistic) evolution and Creationism: there’s natural selection, but God does the work. If there are unfit birds, He zaps them down. And they will be evil, evil, nasty, naughty, evil birds.
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A thought: All those angsty poems and badly written pieces of fiction all over Internet that are commonly thought the work of callow teenagers — what if they’re largely the self-expression of very old people unaccustomed to self-expression instead?
It’s not like ineptitude in certain forms of expression is solely a province of the young… er, I mean old people have trunk scribblings too, right? And now, all of a sudden, they have an anonymous outlet!
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More things we may need: A Center Against Positive Stereotypes. Negative stereotypes are old and well trod-on hat, but there are still plenty of positive stereotypes that need quashing.
Not all geeks are smart. It is cruel stereotyping to insist that the socially excluded have some skills that make them “equal” with the majority — plenty of geeks are as dumb as a box of rocks, and will never become computer millionaires, or even learn to properly tie the laces of their gauche galoshes!
Not all cheerleaders are pretty, peppy and healthy, either. Plenty are people that desperately need a bag on their heads, and a bag on your head too because you don’t want to see the rest of those people, either. There are plenty of cheerleaders not even the geeks want to be with.
Oh, and the people of your particular nation, whatever it might be? Those honest, down-to-earth people with which you’re supposed to join in a patriotic feeling of unity? They’re not decent homely people. They are horrible bastards, all of them. Especially those that live near to you. Your province sucks.
Also, there are viciously ungrateful orphans, poor doctors (Zoidberg: “That’s not funny!”), dope fiend grandmas, cowardly Marines, monks near a mental breakdown, people that trust and persevere and are true and pure and still always fail; and so on, and we’ve had enough of the foul, hurtful positive stereotypes to the contrary! We, the rest of us people!
The Center Against Positive Stereotypes (CAPS) opposes all these, and cute puppies too. There’s always rabies.
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Communique from the Front Against Humanism
Humanism is a false and pernicious doctrine that fails to give proper place to the superior species of Planet Earth, the Dolphins. The contention that man is the center of life, the measure of all things, and the nexus of all moral activity, is not only blasphemous; it is also laughable, ridiculous and silly. What of the measure of the dolphin, the most intelligent and moral species on the planet?
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From the desk of the Tomas de Torquemada Abstinence Society for Faith, Truth and Hot Screws:
The Holy Father has been falsely maligned for his courageous stand against the global infidel forces of infidelity, licentiousness, and sodomy.
The Holy Father’s principled and staunchly traditional stand against the impermissible impedance of the procreative aspect of the sexual act, exemplified in the morally contraceptive device known as the condom, has been especially criticized, but our Society wishes to assure those not convinced by the infallible crendentials of the Holy Father than his claims are much more true than has been guessed by the agents of atheistic depravity, as the “One Prick Saves A Million Souls” task force of our Society has been, as can now be revealed, infiltrating into a factory where he, using a sacred needle, has rendered many of the said devices as defective in the mundane sense as they already are morally.
Fr. Iohannes Fr. S.Ju.
Dixitque Deus, mundus vult decipi, ergo decipiatur!
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From the Warning
There are razor blades in your apples, alligators in your sewers, miracles in your Santiago de Compostela. The time’s twenty past the hour, and a silence with no reason strikes; meat takes a week to exit your system, chewing gum takes seven years, but heavy metals are forever. Never mind Chernobyl; what about Mount Yamantau? You can dig but you can’t hide! Bears walking in the mine! Is this a Great Society? Mr. Gorsky, what do you say? Even Kim is all dashed, but he still makes the best movies. Diary of a Girl Student. Dutch courage, nothing more. The sidewalk was in trouble and the bears were in trouble and I broke it up.
Forward this message to three others or never weep.
We’ll be seeing you in mirrors everywhere!
A.F., F.C.B.S., Introvert Massacre Memorial Society
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“Varying degrees of derangement”; varying, or increasing maybe.