Rock your God

Take a rock; let us assume any particular rock you happen across. In the following I will, with my usual impeccable logic, prove that that rock is superior to the Christian, Muslim, Jewish and any-you-want-to-name Gods.

The said rock surely exists. Anyone you meet can easily be persuaded that the rock exists; no ontological argument necessary! (Rock 1, God 0)

The said rock will always be with you, provided you remember to carry it with you, and you never have to wonder if the rock has abandoned you. (Rock 2, God 0)

The rock won’t demand you go to Mecca, Lourdes or Rome, or tell you you have to oppose gay marriage, feminism, stem cell research, contraception or pornography… and if those don’t impress you, just repeat the last one to yourself. That’s right. The rock has nothing against naked people, even naked people holding rocks. (Rock 3, God 0)

If you abandon the rock, the rock won’t condemn you to the eternal fires of Hell. At the very worst some yahoo will lob it back at you and crack your skull which, I’m sure you agree, is still a lot better than an eternity of unimaginable suffering. (Rock 4, God 0)

The rock is kin to all the stone and stuff of the Earth, which is what all living things are made of: the rock is a relative of everything that is alive, and it is the “clay” from which everything has sprung. Better still, the rock is your ancestor and model not because some frothing prophet of a tribe of goat-herders said it, but because falsifiable empirical science says so! And Richard Dawkins and the Pope agree on this one! (Rock 5, God 0)

Admittedly the rock is not very wise, or all-knowing, but nonetheless it will spout exactly the same amount of wisdom unknown to mortal men, and the same amount of prose impossible for a human hand to match, and the same amount of verifiable facts on things beyond this mortal life, that the Christian or Muslim Gods have. Okay, this one is a tie. (Rock 5, God 0)

You can go to the Middle East, Northern Ireland, or any particular place you want, and shout out that the rock is your refuge, your constant companion, your peace of mind and reminder of things past, and the only rock for which this holds… and no-one will think you are evil subhuman infidel scum that needs to be killed so the righteous may live. Try doing the same with your choice of God. (Rock 6, God 0) [Please note: do not say the rock is God, because that would be (a) silly, (b) liable to get you shot, and (c) likely to interest the mental health folks.]

Bout decided after 7 rounds with Rock 6, God 0 — Rock advances to semifinals to meet the Teapot.

One Response to “Rock your God”

  1. the other anonymous Says:

    Islam has a Black Stone.

    Christianity has a metaphorical rock on which Jesus built his church.

    Judaism has two stone tablets… somewhere.

    And I have a rock of ages that was once spoken by a deaf leopard.

    Apparently, the rocks are in league with the gods. (Makes one rethink the kissing of the blarney stone…)

    Rock: eh. God: wev.

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