The Alt Wanderer

In comments made after the “homeopathy is witchcraft” comment of the junior doctors conference of the British Medical Association, get a shorter name people, some commentators said closing down publicly funded homeopathy hospitals would hurt the people’s right to make their own choices on healthcare.

I have given this argument the consideration it deserves, and come up with the following much better proposal: the Alt Wanderer!

Please excuse the lurid name; I thought it would be best to keep it short and snappy.

The Alt Wanderer is a publicly hired person that wanders, periodically, from a city to a city in the UK, giving alternative care at each stop, for free. His — or her, or come the robot uprising, its — catalog includes the following:

  • Homeopathic medicines; or rather, a homeopathic medicine. After years of work, all homeopathic medicines have been diluted and combined in this single safe brew! And that’s not all! Included also are liquids that contained pieces of the True Cross, a cut of the shawl of Mohammed, a sliver of the foreskin of Joseph Smith, a CD owned by L. Ron Hubbard, and over 170 other religious relics! And that’s not all! Mathematicians have shown the liquid most likely includes molecules and other chemical bits that were a part of the last exhalation of Julius Caesar — of Jesus Christ — of Apollonius of Tyana — and dozens of other historical figures! (Because of the time necessary for the dispersion of the relevant molecules, we can with reasonable accuracy guarantee the liquid contains 0.00% Hitler.) Their breath can be a part of you! That, all diseases and ailments healed, and the Holy Cross and over 170 other relics — step under the pipette and be saved!
  • Iron nails, to drive away fey and fairies. For internal or external use. Only 1/customer, outhouse renovators do not bother!
  • Self-acupuncture set. Comes with a simple applicator and a pack of 10 double needles; for continued use, the applicator is compatible with standard 26/6 and 24/6 staples, available everywhere.
  • Interfaith prayerbook. This booklet contains 32 carefully chosen prayers with the names of the deity, patient, sickness and style of religious headgear left open. After a few minutes of filling these in, the user may check the “ACTIVATE” box on page 3, and safely utilize the full power of prayer for self-improvement. (Please note that checking the “ACTIVATE” box in a blank or multi-filled prayerbook may result in divine disfavor, fire, brimstone, hail, locusts, eternal damnation and/or jihad. Please consult your celestial maintenance personnel to be sure you are using the Interfaith prayerbook safely.)

In the words of Pieter DeSkream, a proponent of self-trepanation: “The freedom of choice includes the choice to be a moron. Have you heard about the health benefit of this drill set of mine?”

(“Wait — you’re saying this is a much better idea? It’s bollocks!” — “You would agree, I think, that 10^{-6} is much bigger than 10^{-9}, but not big, right? This way no-one gets rich, and there’s a job for only one blinkerman or blinderette, or a few of them.” — “I hate mathematicians.”)

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