A sleep mode, eh?

Had to instruct my mother on how to put a Mac to sleep…

(A surprisingly pleasant phrase; I feel much of the irrational distaste most people feel for operating systems Not Their Own. I use Windows, my loins ache for Linux, but Mac, I irrationally dislike. The particular one was my father the teacher’s machine, because his school decided to buy a litter of the Jobsian monoliths. I don’t trust any monolith that ain’t black.)

…to sleep mode; this led me to think the following.

“Sleep mode? Har de har; if a computer hath a sleep mode, why not then a nightmare mode? Being one where come the middle of the night, the computer awakens screaming (wilhelm_scream.mp3), and cannot be shut down for the next five minutes or so. The entire next day, it lags and acts tired.”

“Or what about a caffeine mode — all colors are bright, all sounds a little bit louder, and the whine of the fan gets louder and choppier; and unless you reconfirm the caffeine mode every half an hour or so, the machine goes to sleep.”

“But back to sleeping — or not: a sleep deprivation mode. The screen resolution slowly decreases, and if the user doesn’t type or move the mouse, the colors start to slowly fade… only to snap back the instant the user does something. After a while, there will be fearsome hallucinations (rotating-technicolor-goatse.avi).”

“And finally, a drunken night’s sleep mode: the computer goes to sleep, and when you start it up, everything you did during the previous sitting is gone.

One Response to “A sleep mode, eh?”

  1. Gregg.C Says:

    Actually, you can create the effects of some of those modes — and it would actually make sense in the context of computing [yes, I’m being serious here].

    For instance, “sleep deprivation mode” is easily achieved by reducing the memory requirements of device driver caches and buffers in a functional manner. For instance, reducing the screen color depth from 4 bytes to 3 or 2 will reduce memory requirements at the expense of color granularity.

    “Drunken night’s sleep mode” is very easily done with a Windows machine: just log in with a temporary account and then log out before putting the machine to sleep…when you log back in, your registry settings will have been dumped and you’ll spend the next two hours reconfiguring your desktop and applications. […due to a glitch in our security systems, I do this on a horribly regular basis…]

    “Caffeine mode” can be achieved by messing with the power levels on an Intel Xeon chip. These chips have power-saving modes that reduce the speed of the chip and the fan to save power…just set them up high to get a faster chip and (louder) fan. Write a little driver that sits in the background and varies the levels down from their high points until you “give the machine a doppio”….

    “Nightmare mode” can, of course, be done with a virus that plays an obnoxious .mp3 when it triggers, then hogs CPU cycles till your antivirus updates itself and kills the poor creature.

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