Conservative Jesus: “Repent or burn! Suffer not ye witch to live, or ye manlover, pacifist or Satanic non-Evangelical. Obey thy parents and lawful rulers, unless their politics be an abomination. Then teabag them into submission! If thunder strikes, if a house burns, God did it. And remember, the Liberal Jesus is a Satanic counterfeit plot.”

Liberal Jesus: “Love love love. I am the truth and the way, but you can take the eastern road, too. Let’s just live together and have some social justice. Oh, and women and gays are okay. And I support democracy! Compassion! Freedom! Vague Good Things! Everyone gets to Heaven, except Hitler! And remember, the Conservative Jesus is mockery created by the Church, not by spiritual people.”

An approximation of Historical Jesus: “Bhlaaargh! Before I pass away the Kingdom of God shall descend from the Heavens on a Pillar of Flame and all the Evildoers will Burn and God Himself in Flesh will Rule the Land Forever! All the evildoers — the hypocrites, the adulterers, the rich, the smug, those that have sex, those buggers too, will be swept away to places of wailing! I hate figs! Girls with oil lamps! There is No Time to do much, so throw your excesses away, get Ash in your Hair and Repent! Repent! The End Is Nigh! Ten years to go, tops!”

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