Question Set C, “Befuddle-A-Priest”

(To be read out as a sugar rush of seven years of age.)

“Will Christians and Muslims be friends in Heaven? Will my dog get to Heaven? How about the neighbor’s mean, biting mutt? Will Daddy and Mommy still be married in Heaven? Will they do “the special thing”? What about the dead lady Daddy was married to before Mommy? Will Granny, who is a strident New Atheist, be in Heaven too? Will I have a Playstation in Heaven? Or an Xbox 360? What games will they have in Heaven? Duke Nukem Forever? Do I have to play a harp? Can’t I play a guitar? Will I still have hands and feet in Heaven? Will God have hands and feet in Heaven? If I die now, will I grow up in Heaven? If I die really, really old, will I be not all crinkly in Heaven? What language will we speak in Heaven, because I want to speak to a Pharaoh and they don’t speak English? What if Granny doesn’t get to Heaven, can I visit her in the other place? I promise I will ask God nicely, can I then? That evil bully William won’t be in Heaven, will he? What about that murderer man in the news? He won’t be in Heaven, will he, even if his friends ask for it, right? How good do you have to be to get to Heaven? Why’re we here when there’s a Heaven? Will Mommy still drink in Heaven? And make those bad jokes? And be so funny when she gets angry? Will she be she in Heaven? Will she still say she loves me more than anything else? Will I get to know, like, huge lots of stuff in Heaven? Even the thing Daddy says would make me super sad? Oh, and how do you know this is so, because Granny says you’re just making this all up, and my friend Donny Baptist says we all will be the ones to go down there, and that can’t be right, can it? Because it would be cruel if God didn’t tell us, honest real no-argument tell us, right?”

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