Did you know?

Hugely busy with all kinds of unpleasant shit. Also, term started today and there are first-years clogging up everything. (Wait, first-years? What is this, Hogwarts? Freshmen, I believe I meant to say.) In the meanwhile, here are several fascinating Biblical facts.

* * *

  • God originally created three men, Adam, Bedam and Sammael. Sammael was lost because he spent too many ribs wishing for a bigger and bigger harem. (This’s where Cain’s wife came from: third rib on the right.)
  • Oh, and Bedam? The first celibate. No descendants.
  • Serpents don’t talk, obviously. The Serpent of Eden was the trunk of an Evilphant.
  • What did God do before the beginning of time? He was the second half of the comedy duo Elephone & Trout of Order. (The first was Evilphant, obviously.) Then there were creative differences, and God went into landscaping and biological studies instead.
  • Jesus, ages 12 to 30, not in the Bible: the Holy Puberty. You don’t want to hear about it.
  • What, you want to hear about the Holy Puberty? The Illustrated and X-Rated Gospel of Heat. Including the miracle of turning boys into men, and the first iterations of water into wine. Available from most theological libraries if you just ask enough.
  • The Last Supper: A Christian Cookbook. Available now! A mega-feast for a host and twelve guests!
  • Carpentry Tricks from the Master (2nd ed). Tips for Joiners, Framers and Cabinetmakers. Illustrated Throughout. Also available now!
  • The story in Luke — Jesus’s family visiting Jerusalem, leaving, noticing three days later Jesus wasn’t with them; finding him in the temple conversing with great big priests — was originally meant to show how shoddy parents Joseph and Mary were. Three days and they don’t notice their twelve-year-old isn’t around? This in turn wasn’t to malign the pair, but was a metatextual piece of trickery by the evil sect of the Madeupides, who wished the readers of their texts to always remember that “It Is A Story; It Never Happened, Okay? Here, Have Some Gnosis.”
  • The creation stories of Genesis are not in conflict. God created several lesser gods; said “let us create man in our image”; then destroyed those gods because frankly they would have been trouble; then before any animal business or other preliminaries God created Adam; then thought him a bit of shoddy work really, and tried to improve his work; worked his way up through cockroaches, mice and rhinoceroses; and then after the animals created a few new humans, disliked the design (the rhinoceros-inspired parts especially) and did away with them, and kept Adam, and gave him a wife. And this all happened in a spaceship that was flying forwards in time with giga speeds, dropping a few dinosaur skeletons overboard from time to time and landing in the Grand Canyon.

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