How to get on Wikipedia

There are two general ways for this.

Way #1: Go add yourself.

Pros: Quick. Easy.

Cons: You’ll get deleted. Plus self-insertion is as great a sin over at Wikipedia as it is in fan fiction. Plus it’s kind of a dick move. Plus how’d you like to have, for ever and ever, the shadow of “[citation needed] [weasel words] [not NPOV]” hanging over the part of you that you most value?

Way #2: Be notable.

As this is a bit vague, I’ve picked some easy ones from the Wikipedia notability guidelines for the inclusion of persons.

  • Entertainers. “Has made unique, prolific or innovative contributions to a field of entertainment.” A sculpture made of a dozen living pigs tied with twine, maybe? Oh, wait, prolific. Gonna need a lot of pigs, and a few more spools of twine.
  • Pornographic actors. “Has made unique contributions to a specific pornographic genre, such as beginning a trend in pornography”, etc. — well, the possibilities are endless, and on Internet there is an audience for anything. Though I terrify myself by trying to think up something I haven’t seen yet. (Clowns? Done already.)
  • Creative professionals. “The person is known for originating a significant new concept, theory or technique.” I say, “No-one has painted a mural with live chickens before me!” — and then consider whether I’ve taken this newness thing a bit too broadly. What’s a significant new concept anyway? Do I need to paint the Statue of Liberty green and yellow striped with them chickens to be significant? Or Paris Hilton? Or myself, and then post pics on Myspace?
  • Academics and athletics. Too much work. (Wait, Eric von Däniken has a page. If pseudo-academicians qualify, how about pseudo-athletes? I can make a fairly egregious parody out of any sport I attempt. But do I then need to film an instructional video — “Co-ordinationless Cardio Massacre” — and sell a few million copies of it?)
  • Big enough cretins qualify; see Mark David Chapman, Charles Whitman, etc. If that is too much, consider Muntadhar al-Zaidi, the shoe thrower. Simple cretinity isn’t enough; either the target of cretinism or the method of cretinousness (Jeffrey Dahmer) has to be noteworthy. Hence thoughts turn again to pigs, twine, chickens and paint. “I took him. Here are twined pigs in his place. Ke ke ke. The Pheasant (name but not method inspired by the Dara O’Briain routine, you can cite this; also it is not a sex thing).” (Oh, wait. “My captive shall be released when Wikipedia agrees to…” — but consider that your inclusion in Wikipedia might not be the only consequence of the necessary actions — “Your honor, I merely wanted to be on Wikipedia.” — “Bullshit! If I’m not notable, you are not notable. Maximum sentence. Take him away!”)

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