Star Wars 3D

— director commentary on the integrated special scenes —

SCENE 22 : MOS EISLEY DISCO
Lucas: Really, I’m embarrassed by this. The original Mos Eisley bar music isn’t all that great a tune. And I think it would bring immediacy and youthfulness to the film to have a cameo of a, um, where’re my notes, of “a really great, innovative and original band”. Hence Nickelback.

SCENE 34 : JUST A FLESH WOUND
Lucas: This small change was made to support our new half-hour animated cartoon series set between the New Hope and Empire, the exciting new Abandoned!: The Lost Adventures of Obi-Wan Kenobi and Owen Lars, which will also have a twelve-part novelization by our stable of talented, untried and deadline-motivated autourettes.

SCENES (SEVERAL) : HAN
Lucas: The problem with creative endeavors is you rarely get to express the whole of your vision in any one work. For example, though those became the icons of a different film series, I originally wanted Han Solo to have a fedora, a leather jacket and a bullwhip, and have the Millennium Falcon powered by the Ark of Covenant. Also, Greedo was supposed to be a snake that tried to throttle Han. Also, Chewbacca was supposed to be a snarky bikini-clad girl, but on the first day of shooting she had an accident involving glue and a large number of passing heavily shedding cats, and because of budget we just went with it. Also a sore throat. Thus these small changes in Han Solo, and the new Chewbacca, played by the skin of Kirsten Dunst.

SCENE 66 : DEATH STAR
Lucas: I think that in a post-9/11 world it would be, er, insensitive to show the Rebels in overall concept, broadly speaking, according to someone I heard on the Internet, executing a suicide attack, zooming their “planes” through concrete canyons to this “world’s” “center”, and causing an explosion with thousands of dead. For this reason, this scene of the evacuation of the Death Star, and the X-fighter ejection seats, is meant to convey no-one actually died in the attack.

SCENES (SEVERAL) : REAL WORLD
Lucas: I never was really satisfied with the futurism of Star Wars. I wanted to show the Empire as a real world with mythic, iconic overtones, a world where people live and buy cool mythic stuff and do exciting iconic things in. While preparing this edition, I hit on the idea of hologram ad boards and wall scrolls, and rather than make new brands out of whole cloth, I turned to my iconic friends at Nike, Nokia, Depend, Adidas and the Coca-Cola Company…

SCENE 202 : A RATTLING SABER
Lucas: Yes, Luke’s lightsaber activates with the Nokia tune now. Deal.

SCENE 384 : IT’S A TRAP
Lucas: Personally I was never really satisfied with this ‘Admiral Ackbar’ character. It wasn’t until Episode I that I came up with an alien that fit my original conception. Hence Admiral J-J B.

SCENES (SEVERAL)
Lucas: Well my first idea was never to make a movie; I just happened to be a person that made movies. I was inspired by the adventure serials, you know. I think the saga flows much better when broken into half-hour segments. Obviously this could cause problems with the pacing, so we’ve had to eliminate some subplots with were frankly “filler”, and to add a few new ones, such as the Jedi Clone Padme Saga, and the adventures of Chewbacca and Pompa, a plucky Ewok Jedi, bringing the total to 108 half-hour episodes for the original three films. Since this conception of the saga presents my ultimate original fully realized ur-idea for now, this will be the only version available from now on.

Aaaand what’s your worst nightmare? (Please don’t comment with “Never finding true love”. This is a rhetorical question.)

* * *

When I get a brain flare as demented as the one above, it deserves more than being a throw-away comment over on Pharyngula. And the idea of Lucas tinkering with Star Wars again is a bottomless well of possibilities —

“Also, in this new 3D version Darth Vader occasionally turns, reaches, and punches the viewer. While this may be taken as an expression of Lucas’s regard for his audience, it was probably more meant to (a) show off the 3D, and (b) establish the character of the slightly revamped, more ‘ninja’ Sith Lord. The three-dimensionality of these sudden lunges is quite startling; but not as much as Lucas’s decision to replace most of the supporting cast with Gungans.”

Perhaps not coincidentally, the Pharyngula-linked Hollywood Reporter page has a persistent ad for “hundreds of free diaper coupons”.

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