Golden Jesus

In our continuing series “If I was a Christian, I would probably be screaming not laughing right now”: A pink piggybank in the shape of a robed man… named “Jesus Saves“.

The only way to make it more tacky would have been to have the coin slot in a slit on his side… or in a wound in one upraised palm.

Then again, there’re Jesus nightlights (“Your children will love this nightlight, as Jesus appears to be watching over them wherever they are.”) and a Jesus marital aid (“1 3/4 inches diameter”) — one sometimes wonders how Jesus-full a life one could live with this stuff.

Sacre coeur! In the loaf! The very face of—”

“Sorry. It’s a Fish-Loaf of the Savior, vacuum-packed, pre-sliced, $5.99 over on Amazon. Not a miracle, unless you count how the raisin eyes seem to follow you. Could you give me the Kiss of the Lord Glass With Silicon Lips; I think I’ll open another tin of Agony of the Savior Triple Squeezed Tomato Juice. Then to the bus.”

“No bicycle?”

“No. The crossbar broke.”

One Response to “Golden Jesus”

  1. snarkoutboy Says:

    every time i hear the phrase “jesus saves” all i can think of is “gretzky scores on the rebound.” say it out loud with the proper voice and it will be stuck with you too

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