So this is what being drunk feels like.

I have just browsed — no, wandered — no, staggered — through Conservapedia’s humor section. (Or, Comedy and satires concerning atheism and evolution.)

Or at least I suppose so; sometimes there is no way to tell after a few clicks, because the serious sections don’t seem much so, and the humorous ones aren’t all that either.

On one hand, this is supposed to be humorous; a Flickr picture of a (I suppose) morose canine, with this caption:

A dog after returning from his master’s joyless atheist funeral. Atheists go to an eternal place of suffering and punishment after they die.

This is humor?

I scroll down the page hoping to find something funnier; er, no, only a few traditional paintings of judgment and Hell. The title of this all, and nothing more, is “Essay: Atheist funeral”, but the essay part seems to be just a part of their site’s structure, since many of the others essays are just a Flickr photo and a snide caption, too. (Then there’s “The transitional animal the flying kitty?“, which I don’t have the words to make justice to. It’s… it’s almost like a lolcat and a creationist got married. In a blender. And it blended.)

And I’m not complaining about the meanness; I’m just puzzled there’s nothing more. Surely that caption could be improved by adding a bit of humor into it. Like this:

A dog after returning from his master’s joyless atheist funeral. The dog suffered no ill consequences.

Or even like this:

A dog after returning from his master’s joyless atheist funeral. Atheists go to an eternal place of suffering and punishment after they die. The dog on the other hand had a snack, and then defecated on a copy of the God Delusion. Dogs are well-known for their ability to move on, which few atheists, whether in Hell or not, are able to do. Bou ha ha ha!!!

On the other side of the fence, there’s this “World History Midterm Exam“, and a final exam for the same net-course, that are apparently not light-spirited rhetorical humor.

No, despite having this a teensy bit leading question —

11. Christianity is different from other major religions in which respects?

(a) its use of logic
(b) its emphasis on love
(c) its emphasis on faith
(d) numerous miracles were performed by its founder
(e) all of the above

And this puzzler —

24. Once might say that President Lyndon Johnson did not know much world history when he unsuccessfully involved the United States heavily in the Vietnam War. Why might one say that?

(a) Because the Vietnamese treated women much better than the Chinese did.
(b) Because the Vietnamese treated women much worse than the Chinese did.
(c) Because the Vietnamese were the only people able to defeat the Chinese.
(d) Because the Vietnamese defeated three attempts by the Mongols to conquer Hanoi.
(e) Because Vietnam is a very small country.

I suppose the lesson here is, “Learn from the Mongols, young Christian!”; or possibly “But think if the Mongols had had atomic bombs, what then? We could have won incidentally but we pulled out Democrat Johnson did not know boo hiss.” (Note to self — write this: An alt history story. Time travelling Alabamans arm Genghis Khan with atomic weapons to defeat Islam and pre-empt Communism. Mayhem ensues.)

And then there’s this —


(Girls only) An example of modern chivalry for girls would be all of the following EXCEPT:

(a) protecting a young child whose parent is distracted by something else
(b) thanking a boy who offers to help carry something
(c) lightening the stress on boys and men, who live on average 7 years less than girls and women
(d) insisting on participating in an all-boy activity like tackle football
(e) welcoming a boy when he might feel awkward

(Boys only) An example of modern chivalry for boys would be all of the following EXCEPT:

(a) protecting a girl from danger that you recognize but she does not
(b) showing good sportsmanship after winning or losing an athletic contest
(c) thanking a girl for making chocolate brownies that you enjoyed
(d) showing initiative and welcoming a girl when she enters a room
(e) making a joke at the expense of people having physical handicaps

I swear I did not make that last one up. I also swear for a different reason, but best to not reproduce that here.

And, dear Richard! this question which reveals, I fear, a bit too much of the one asking it —

12. An example of a work of art produced during the Renaissance is

(a) a random splattering of paint on a canvas, to illustrate the artist’s emotions
(b) a life-size sculpture of the Mother of Jesus holding Him after the Crucifixion
(c) colorful paintings intended to create an “impression” rather than convey detail
(d) a music video that ends with the performers smashing their guitars on stage
(e) a random sampling of garbage nailed to a poster board to promote environmentalism

And, ah, this slightly familiar one —

39. Jesus was unique among religious leaders because:

(a) He performed miracles to heal people
(b) He willingly accepted crucifixion, despite being innocent
(c) He emphasized the power and importance of faith
(d) His teachings included parables to illustrate important and logical truths
(e) All of the above

And —

59. How was the “Enigma” “solved”?

(a) by asking Caesar for the answer
(b) by using the Rosetta Stone
(c) by applying mathematics to how often letters (such as vowels) appear in messages
(d) by torturing someone with “water-boarding” until they gave the answer
(e) by sending spacecraft into outer space

Wait, that’s actually a good, though zany, question.

And I have no idea if this is a genuinely well-made exam that offers probing questions with engaging, funny choices, though it is made over-the-top by the world view of the one who penned it; or if what I perceive as slightly madcap zany playfulness comes from this all being spit up from that ichorful vortex of screaming lunacy which is the place of the big C.

Half and half, maybe.

One Response to “Conserva-examinations”

  1. Iason Ouabache Says:

    Fundamentalism means no irony ever! And no sense of humor at all.

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