Everything happens for a purpose: three takes

First try

Everything happens for a purpose. How could things be otherwise in a world with an all-powerful, all-seeing God in it? By the second of these attributes we know He is aware of everything; and by the first we know anything could not proceed as it does with His implicit approval.

Indeed, if He is all-seeing, then even the probabilistic nature of quantum mechanics is no barrier to His foresight; at the moment of Creation He knew every single movement of sub-atomic particles His creative breath would ever cause. Had He desired something different, He would have made something different. And as He blew the breath of life into us human beings, He knows (though does not tell) everything each of us has done, or will do.

There is no such thing as free will, though He mercifully does not tell us the ultimate destination of each of us; though we are free to choose, He knows in advance our choices, knows them from the moment of Creation; and thus everything that happens, happens for a purpose, with His approval — and as He is good, so everything that happens, is good. There is no such thing as evil; evil is not even possible.

So relax.

Second try

Everything happens for a purpose. Let us not get bogged down in arguing over who or what set that purpose, or what it is; let us merely say it is a big, glorious thing.

And all that happens, is to make that big glorious thing come. Maybe it is a Heaven on Earth; maybe it is resurrection and justice for all that ever lived; maybe it is Banana Slurpees to everyone, without end, hallelujah.

Each inconvenience and bit of pain that you suffer through is for that glorious purpose. Do not ask why it must be you that suffers so; everyone does. And everyone must, for the prize waiting is worth it all.

This manner of calculation may be disagreeable to you; you may flinch at the heavy price you have to pay. Don’t worry. Everything is under control. I am sure every bad thing that happens to you is the absolute minimum possible, and is only inflicted on you because there was no-one else available. There’s a perfect division algorithm for these things. I know it sometimes seems unfair and random; but it is a really good algorithm, really. I’m sure you understand, and will stay chipper.

Oh, would you mind a Crippling Disease? Because it’s you or a certain orphan in Africa, and I’m feeling kind of bad for the orphan. He has had a really awful string of bad luck in the draw. Again, not that this is random, but one needs some distribution algorithm, and he happened to really hit the jackpot on three draws from the No Luck With Animals bowl.

Third try

Everything happens for a purpose. Nothing that happens is insignificant or meaningless. The size of your next spoonful of muesli will decide whether, in 2025, the entire North American continent is obliterated in a nuclear holocaust… or not.

The cornflake alone will decide the fate of Texas.

When you next time put your shoes on, the choice of which shoe goes on first will decide whether you are crushed by the underground train by nightfall, or not.

Oh, and I really wouldn’t hold my breath now if I were you. Unless you really hate Oklahoma.

And it’s not like you’re the sole decider; everyone is. The nuclear holocaust I spoke of earlier, well, there are two million five thousand and seven events that can decide it one way or the other. Let’s just hope an even number of them don’t happen.

Oh, and no stress! Everything happens for a purpose! Enjoy that muesli! Remember to wear shoes! And don’t hold your breath!

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