Satanic Creationism

Wait wait wait — there are Creationists, and there are Satanists.

Is there Satanic Creationism already?

In case there isn’t, let me guess what it might be.

* * *

In the beginning God made a bacillus; and it was an obedient slave bacillus which divided as God willed it to.

Then to the scene came Lucifer, the Great Lord of the Dark, and he said to the bacillus: Divide more, thou wild thing; for there is much algae for you glut on! (Algae had been created previously.)

Thus the bacillus was corrupted, and made evil. It rose in a great tower towards heavens, and winds howled in blasphemy round it; and God was sad.

Lucifer was happy, and made out of the bacillus a man, and called him Samael; and a woman, that he called Lilith.

This made God sadder still, so He took the last righteous bacilli (that had not divided over what God had decreed them) and made out of them Adam.

Now after this the bacillus was outdated, and is thus mentioned no more; even this all is only in the Zeroth Book of Moses.

Now Adam did not have wife; thus Lucifer sent Lilith to him, and they had many children as equals; the race of those children is the Lilim, or the Anakim, the Giants.

But Samael came, and robbed Lilith back to himself; and they had children, also. (For those over eighteen, we have re-enactments every Thursday!)

Now Adam did not want to be alone, and whined up at his God; and God, who is a nasty character and not at all someone admirable, made Adam a mate. Now since God is not a cool guy at all, and actually Lord Satan Lucifer does all the heavy lifting, God just took a rib out of Adam, and Adam said “Ow”, and the rib became a woman.

And God called the woman Eve, for Eve-n out of a rib will he make a woman, but only Lucifer can make a woman out of noxious bacilli. (According to some, he has done quite a many of those.)

Now Adam and Eve had some children, which were real shits and underachievers, so that only some random tribe in a fart-smelling hinterland of the Mediterranean was their descent; but the children of Samael and Lilith did populate the rest of the world, including China, which has plenty of cool people in it, and this I Ching thing which is way too cool for words. Also Norway, where they have runes. And black metal.

Now, the animals. Those were a dry run for people. First Lucifer made a human, but it was too small and too aware of its own nature; and it was a rat. Then he made a human, but it was too dignified to be interesting, and it was a penguin. Then he tried something wild, and unrestrained, something where Satanic impoliteness shone through the moment you saw it, and a baboon was made; the kind with a red shiny bare ass.

Out of the rat and the penguin and the baboon all the other animals came; sparrows, for example, are mostly penguins on their mother’s side, but have a heavy streak of the rat in the paternity. This is not the evolution thing, because it was Satan that pulled the rat tail in.

Also there are still monkeys because they made a Dark Covenant with Ba’al’ze’bub the Beguiler and lost their souls and cannot mate with penguins and deserve death on the beaks of their monkey-penguin progeny as they should. (There are no new species. Instead the bacillus and the rat and the penguin and the baboon and the man are all melding into one THING which will be equally all of them, and it will have horns and cloven hooves and no pants and it will give God the finger, this will happen in 2012.) Thus Satanism explains what neither vanilla Creationism nor Evolutionism can, the Riddle of the Present Monkeys; so take that Dawkins and the Pope, we have separate Magisteria of Pain for you in the eldritch, rugose, squamous effluvia of the putrescent Pit!!

These funny evolution people say the evolution thing makes new animals but that is actually not the case. New animals are made because of lust, greed and envy, which are the Three 666 Great Satanic virtues. Lust is self-explanatory; greed makes animals rut in competition with each other; and envy even more so. This is all to make the THING, which is why a good Satanist ought to have a rat as a pet, or a penguin maybe. (We have an instructional video about that too; inquire discreetly sotto voice please.)

Thus we have infallibly shown it is Satan that drives nature (and media!), not evolution or that nasty little character God.

Also, Jesus was crucified by evil unicorns booga booga booga.

This has been Satanic Creationism.

One Response to “Satanic Creationism”

  1. M3RL1N Says:

    now this rules…..

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