From time to time I fantasize about writing a text adventure. Mostly this involves thinking up all kinds of bizarre commands and scenarios that I could bury in it. Not because every player could be expected to find them, but boy, the one that did would be really surprised.
Like this —
* * *
You are in a suspiciously blank room. There is a pig in the room also.
> hit wall with pig
You grab the pig and swing it at the wall. The pig explodes in a chunky shower of gore! A detached hoof scrapes your cheek; the wall is painted red, and the floor made uneven by the porcine’s sudden demise.
There’s a PIG BLADDER on the floor. Also, GIBLETS and a RED KEY.
> take giblets
You take a fistful of the gory mess and slop it in your pack, wincing as it sloshes over your other possessions, and then onto your trousers through your pack’s bottom grille.
(You should have done a LOOK PACK, shouldn’t you? Ha-ha!)
Your trousers are now gory.
“Oh for fuck’s sake”, you sigh.
> fill leather pouch with giblets
You scoop up enough of the pig-remains to fill the pouch to capacity, and then tie it closed, neatly and carefully.
You have 2 litres of giblets in leather pouch.
You have a feeling falling down would be real messy viz. the gory pouch round your neck, so you really shouldn’t do that.
> take bladder
You pick up the pig bladder. It’s yellowish, empty, and speckled with blood.
> put pig bladder on stick
You turn the bladder in your hands until you find a… well, a urethra, and push your stick in through that.
> shake stick
You shake the stick; the bladder flops, limply.
> inflate bladder
You hesitate. That’s a raw bladder of a recently deceased pig that’s on your stick. It’s still warm, for Zork’s sake. You sure you want to put your lips on the thing?
You wince, tie one ureter shut and blow in through the other. An unspeakable taste of blood and pig urine fills your mouth; and your breath fills the bladder. Breathless, you tie the tube shut, and gasp.
You have a bad taste in your mouth.
> take off bad taste
You don’t have anything you could use for that.
Try finding some MINTS, or HYDROCHLORIC ACID.
Or SWINE FLU ANTIDOTE.
You scream; it doesn’t help.
> examine tongue
You try to look at your tongue; your eyes don’t bend that way.
Your fingers reach that far, but as your tongue isn’t all that stretchable, all you get is more _eau de pig_ on your tongue.
You feel unwell.
> shake stick
You shake the stick; the inflated bladder on it bounces tautly back and forth, making a pleasant jiggledy sound.
You feel like a fool.
Your stick has become a FOOLSTICK! (+10 points)
* * *
> disemvowel pig
The pg looks at you, thin and angry.
* * *
> curse pig
“From hell’s heart I stab at thee! Shrivel and curse in Satan’s darkness, ye foulsome being! In blackness consumed be! Never again any good thing or decent see! Demons in thee, and angels shun ye! I curse thee, pig, and all thy progeny; may they all be as wicked and torn as thee!”
The pig blinks.
There is a peal of thunder, and the pig’s eyes glow briefly.
The glow was red.
The pig turns to look at you.
This does not look good.
The pig, if a pig it is, speaks.
“I am Abraxas the Claw. Why have you imprisoned me in this shell of ham, mortal? Answer swiftly, or I shall withhold my wrath no more.”
The pig levitates up three feet, legs akimbo. Its eyes glow red all the time now, and as far as you can see through the glow, seem to be spinning wildly.
* * *
I should probably find a z-machine interpreter or something; then six months later I would have a game that could be solved by a “go east” — but think of all the other things you could do in it! (“Did you try ‘wear pig’? Or, hem hem, the more bestial alternatives?”)
If further pig-poking interests you, this all was sparked by an actual real pig-related text adventure game I happened across: Lost Pig, over on the People’s Republic of Interactive Fiction.