Interesting times in Maryland

To quote,

Police do not suspect that the victim was specifically targeted, but that the incident was a random prank, [police Lt.] Donnelly said. They have not received reports of glue-laden toilet seats since.

The funny thing is, the one behind this sticking of the behind “could face second-degree assault charges”. What an idea!

* * *

“Did you, on April 1 of 2011, with malice aforethought, apply quick-drying adhesive to the toilet facilities of the men’s room of the Wal-Mart of Elkton, Maryland for the purposes of distress and entrapment?”

“I did, your honor.”

“Did you… wait, what?”

“I did it! I plead guilty to third-degree hilarity!”

“There is no such crime in the book, Mr. Defendant, though these times of the year I often wish there was. But, given your guilty plea, only one question remains.”

“Squirrels?”

“No. The question of, ‘For the love of God, why?'”

“Goddess.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“I plead guilty to religion. My particular brand of observance led me into it. She made me do it.”

“Explain yourself.”

“Your honor, have you heard of Eris Discordia, the glad goddess of disorder?”

“Oh God, not one of you again.”

* * *

“So, bud, what you in here for?”

“Contempt of court.”

“Harsh.”

“Also, gluing a man to a toilet. How about you?”

“Triple homicide.”

“Anyway toilet-related?”

“No, not really. Just one of those days when you’re not in the mood for banter.”

“Ah.”

“Not that the judge thought that mitigated the matter, which I regard as a grievous miscarriage of justice and a breach of my Twenty-Third Amendment rights. Whatever that is; I’m just reading from this paper I found in a book in the library.”

“What’s that on the other side?”

“It says ‘Get out of jail free card’. A bit of insider humor.”

“The ‘inside’ being this side of the walls and the barbed wire?”

“You’re quick to learn, bud. Say, you wouldn’t be a practising homosexual by any chance?”

“Not practising, no.”

“Experienced, then?”

“I… I have the inkling I may soon be.”

“Well, it’s a cruel world, and a cruel prison. Buggery and religion is all we have, really, though not usually at the same time.”

“Depends on the religion.”

“Pray tell more.”

“Have you ever heard of Eris Discordia, the glad goddess of disorder?”

* * *

That is fiction, but the facts are over on CNN.com, as “Maryland man glued to Wal-Mart toilet“.

(The reference to “one of you” refers, obviously, to ye ordnung-unordnung, a contrafactual Maryland Discordian organization.)

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