Hypothesis: God is a Vogon


“Revolting personal habits”: Impregnates his own mother; associates with tax collectors; takes naps in graves. Watches people when they’re sleeping, on the toilet or having sex; does this all the time. And if the Revelation is any reflection of what goes on in that character’s head(s)… uh. Just uh. Possibly, also, ick.

“They wouldn’t even lift a finger to save their own grandmothers from the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal”: When did you last hear about God’s grandmother? That’s right, God didn’t save His grandmother from the Traalian, and that’s why you’ve never heard of her. The utter bastard!

“Third worst poetry in the universe”: True for most of the books. The Bible is chock-full of genocide-glorification, tedious beget-geekery, ruthless S&M without a single sexual kink, misogyny and misanthropy and scattershot egomania, MegaFloods and SuperLeviathans and HugeFirePits: subjects that in semi-skilled hands would make for a literary equivalent of a Michael Bay film, horrible and exploitative but good for popcorn; but no, the Bible is just icky. It’s too long to even be thought a satire of the times and rages of a screaming, wheedling, beating abusive Parent. And whenever there’s a small ray of hope the Author has something better coming, bam! Figs and fags will burn! A screaming leering skull of a Gehenna, smeared over the pages like feces in a monkeyhouse! The sequel (“Bible II: the Quran”) is largely incoherent, and the books after that, don’t get me started on the books God wrote when he was just cashing in, cranking out volume after volume once the series started selling. Even the profusion of pseudonyms (“Ellen G. White”, “Joseph Smith”, etc.) did nothing to conceal the fact He had kept the lurid subjects and the turgid treatment, but stylewise abadoned what little grace He had had, and dived into pure hack territory in a way that would make Kevin J. Anderson blanch and Terry Goodkind faint! There are reports, mainly on Pharyngula, of people preferring sodomy with a sandpaper dick over a lengthy reading from the Book of Mormon.

“Callous bureaucrats”: Have you happened to read Leviticus? Also, despite all the natural and human disasters his Big Plan causes, praying or petitioning this Celestial CEO for redress seldom reverses them; not in the Plan, His representatives say, can not do. Also, no refunds, and if you don’t like the rules, you shouldn’t have birthed yourself here. On those rare occasions He gives a formal warning of some disaster in advance, that warning’s Bible-coded in a cupboard somewhere, behind a locked door and a tiger poster. But He’s never to blame — it’s always the underlings who didn’t get the memo on gayness, or said the wrong prayer!

“As much sex appeal as a road accident”: Not only God, but everyone associated with Him for a while, saints, Popes, cardinals, all are drastically less likely to be sex objects. (Except for the very kinky; papaphilia and all that.) That nuns are sexy in the abstract and devoted to God is no comment on God’s appeal; it is well known certain types of egomaniac brutes ever require the attentions and adulations of servile women, and those women tricked into it may find it very difficult to extricate themselves from the paws and strings of such a manipulative lecher. (Overall, the grim self-denials and make-believes of nunhood are nothing but distributed do-it-yourself wife-beating. The brides of Christ really need to take a look in the mirror, see the spiritual bruises, and do like Tina Turner did!)

“Evolution so disgusted with them it gave up”: And God gives up on evolution!

“Sheer obstinacy”: Look around. We’ve been to the Moon, and people still think ritual cannibalism every Sunday is a good idea?

“Vaguely humanoid”: Jesus was humanoid, but what skin color? What kind of intimate parts? Beard or not? Jesus was, if anything, vague in every possible way! And “the Big Bearded Man in the Sky”, who might be a She or genderless, or a triple person of some description, how’s that for vague?

“Them appearing hanging in the sky is bad news”: Have you read the Revelation?

So yes, a Vogon.

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