Tattoo a name on you? Great advice

Child: That’s a safe bet… usually. You can bet Mrs. Bundy and Mrs. Gacy are guiltily relieved they never took tattoos of their children. But mothers especially can be pretty sure of their maternity (fathers less so); and a child, no matter how crooked s/he may grow, is still one’s child, so this is right at the top of this list. Even if, as in the case of Mr. Ed Gein, the mother’s tattoo might end up, post-mortem, in a bizarro skin suit the child hath made. (Pro tip: Don’t go for a picture. Ink is good for dragons and flames; realistic humans tend to turn to denizens of the Uncanny Valley even before your skin grows stretched and flabby.)

Mom/Dad : Good idea. That’s not someone who’s going to change… unless it comes out you were adopted. Or you suddenly recall a bout of child abuse, so far repressed. Or if s/he wills the family fortune to that black sheep, metaphorically or literally; s/he was ever so fond of animals, no matter how crooked their handlers. “All I got was this stupid tattoo; Dad loved sheep more than ever me.” (Pro tip: Don’t get that t-shirt. Too much risk of misunderstandings.)

Girlfriend/Boyfriend: The very worst idea of all, except those below. You’re guaranteed to break up the next day, in a way that does not leave fond memories. Implicating you for murder or larceny is, more or less, the best you can hope for. (There are less savory crimes.) Also, before that, the boyfriend or girlfriend will no doubt (despite your sex and state) end a final bit of sex with his or her bare teeth, with a circumcision to you, with no warning. Then, as you surely won’t, the police will come. “So the larceny accomplice turned on the partner, and this was self defense against rape? Good self defense, sir/lady — a full pardon for your civic courage and co-operation!” Then, after the uncaring singles market of the local prison, it’s the more general populace, where a tattoo of an uninvolved name will rake you no extra points. (Pro tip: This is not unlikely.)

Brother/Sister: Might sound safe — but there are risks. If you are not in a relationship, forget about having one. Would you believe it was a sibling, and not a former paramour you are hurtfully constantly lying about? Possibly even a paramour of a formerly quiet sexual orientation? Possibly an incestuous paramour of a formerly etc.; the possibilities for jealous suspicion are endless. Just hope there’s not a whole menagerie of you siblings. (Pro tip: the tattooist will use the “lovebirds 4-ever with hearts and lips” format — good luck with saying it was a mistake.) And if you are in a relationship — “You mean s/he is worth a spot, but not me? I want a bigger tattoo than him/her, an’ right over your heart, an’ oak leaves, an’ right now!” And Lead Ink Joe’s Good Speling Masters’s Tatoo Parlor will be the only place open.

Employer: Seriously? In the modern job climate? You really think you’re going to stay in your job for any length of time? Luck being what it is, your current employer deems the tattoo to be (a) against their CleanImagePurity policy, and (b) an indication of mental instability, drug use and low education. Then the would-be employers will deem it an indication of fanatical devotion to Brand X, and will not hire you as you clearly are an industrial spy of the most insidious sort. (Pro tip: Most job interviews include nude inspections these days. Be prepared, and washed!)

2 Responses to “Tattoo a name on you? Great advice”

  1. Bob O'H Says:

    What about tattoos of your pet’s name? I could…

    Well, actually, if I dip The Beast’s claws in ink, he could tattoo my legs himself. For free.

  2. Masks of Eris Says:

    Well, that’d be a better idea than a tattoo reading “I LOVE THE BEAST”.

    Come to think of it, most pet names don’t really work as tattoo if you add the “I love” part:

    • I love Mr. Snuffles (“Is that some obscure euphemism for cocaine?”)
    • I love Lucky (“A fan of old-time television, are you? Shame about the typo.”)
    • I love Smokey (“Yes, but we don’t. Smoke outside.”)
    • I love Shadow (“Out, Satanist! Out!”)
    • I love Lady (“What? I… but… what… you’re an transsexual prostitute?”)
    • I love Buster (“Well, I love builder, so fuck you!”)
    • I love Max (“Wait, does that mean you’re really active, or that you like fatties?”)
    • I love Rusty (“Sorry, no joke, low hanging fruit.”)

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