Alternate history madness: American Civil War

US Civil War won by the South: only CSA remains

  • Has been done so many times already; something different, please.

US Civil War won by the South: both CSA and USA remain

  • Not exactly new either, but let’s have a go.
  • 1889–91, 1909, 1919–21 and 1932–5: the 2nd to 5th American Civil Wars. All won by the Four Horsemen.
  • 1956: President Nixon: “We are not a banana republic, to be pushed around by the crowned heads of Europe!” (to which Premier Churchill replies: “Indeed, the USA is much too cold for bananas.”)
  • 1989: USA President: “Mr. Duke, open this gate. Mr. Duke, Mr. Duke, tear down this wall!” (answer: “Fuck you, Reagan!”)

US Civil War won by the North, but both CSA and USA remain

  • 1879: USA expresses extreme official disapproval of the unwise anarchist-revolutionary slave uprising in CSA, while smuggling arms in. CSA remains committed to peaceful parliamentary progress and sends in the CS Marines.
  • 1892: CSA expresses extreme official disapproval of the unwise godless-revolutionary woman uprising in USA, while smuggling arms in. USA remains committed to peaceful parliamentary progress and sends in the US Marines.
  • 1914: The British-German War begins; the Entente Cordiale of France, Germany, Austria-Hungary and Russia against the dastardly English Alliance of Britain, USA and CSA.
  • 1916: As the war moves towards a bloody defeat for the English-speaking side, Canada revolts and joins the Franco-German cause. USA bombs Montreal; Canadian premier quoted as saying “Eh, this wasn’t supposed to happen!”
  • 1917: The European war is finished; the British monarchy flees to CSA.
  • Peace on earth until the beginning of the Americo-Canadan War in 1940, initiated by the dashing young CSA war hero, hero of the Reunification and fanatical Francophobe Alfred Hitley. Bad times follow for the Canadian French — well, for all Canadians, really — until the Japanese Intervention of 1942, but on the other hand after the war no-one will think it polite to speak of mincing baguette-eating French-born surrender monkeys ever again.

US Civil War a stalemate: CSA and USA remain

  • Every USA and CSA election since 1868 won by the candidate seen as “most irredentist, strongest on national defense, and most active in calling for stricter anti-sedition legislation”. Roughly 60% of presidents in both are military men. (Also, no women. Can’t be seen as weak on national defense!)
  • 1888: CSA historian lynched after suggesting the Civil War was not an unmitigated CSA victory.
  • 1889: USA historian prosecuted and jailed for sedition, infamy, slander against the nation, subvertment of national institutions and corruption of the youth after suggesting the Civil War was not an unmitigated USA victory.
  • 1891: the existence of the hamlet of Sweden, USA, (pop. 116) leads to the lynching of a real actual Swede in CSA, and to the fizzly CSA-Swedish War.
  • 1893: Grover Cleveland, USA president, goes down in flames following allegations of leniency on the Confederacy traitor-splitter-bastards. Actual quote, “it’s not like the Rebs aren’t human beings the same as us.”

US Civil War a horrible disaster: both sides collapse, Britain and France march in

  • 1929–36: The Colonies War leaves most of Europe smoking, and the rest of the world smoking and burning. Afterwards the war’s reason was found in the losing party, the Austra-Germano-Hungarian Empire plus Holstein, them and their horrible African legionnaires. Shortly afterwards, all the colonial empires start going down; turns out giving people pep talks on fighting for their country can have them focusing on the wrong bit of country.
  • 1941: Independence of Greater Canada, capital New York, south border the Mason-Dixon line, official languages English and French. French fries served in the Parliament with no interruption, forever.
  • 1946: The Louisianian Civil War begins in the French colony-in-all-but-the-name of L. — capital Richmond, other cities Dallas, Fort Lauderdale and Sacramento. The separatists are strongly Communist, prefer the Spanish language (and enjoy the backing of the Mexican Emperor), are led by a sinister mastermind codenamed “True Man” (wheelchair-bound after the brutal “Dewey beats Truman” assassination attempt of 1948), and would rather have all Louisiana than split away.
  • 1954: After the debacle of Dienne-Bienne Ford (near Le Phoenix) and the loss of a whole French division, the war gets hot; Sacramento falls to the rebels.
  • 1969: Peace negotiations conducted by the Canadian president Hubert Humphrey fail; vice president Johnson heard exclaiming he’s “happy it’s not my mess”.
  • 1970: France-backed Louisiana president and director of the secret police H. W. Bush assassinated by a young Lt. C. Norris, a Sacramento sympathizer… in Dallas. (Where else?) Following army purges prove extremely counterproductive.
  • 1973: French retreat continues until Fort Lauderdale is evacuated with helicopters, and falls. The People’s Republic of Louisiana is triumphant, sea to sea — the president is Richard Marx Nixon.

US Civil War averted: USA remains internally divided

  • 1880: A call for voting rights for slaves is met with hoots of derision and much stomping of feet. The public is less restrained than the Senate was.
  • 1890: The Prohibition begins.
  • 1910: Alcoholism treated with electrical shocks. Not effective, but good PR. (“Mr. Edison’s direct current — cures the madness of liquor!”)
  • 1912: Alcoholism treated with castration. Not effective, but good PR. (“No child deserves this home! This home deserves no children!”)
  • 1920: The Underground Railroad War against Canada over immigration. Follows a rousing speech by J.M. “Wavin'” Cox, future president: “Them Canucks are stealing our expensive slaves and poisoning our men with the demon rum. That’s reason for North and South — I say we kill them all and don’t ask who’s man who’s moose but afterwards!”
  • 1934: The Prohibition extended to include coffee, tobacco and bubble gum. Some rioting, but few can get excited enough with the available excitants.
  • 1965: Famous last words: “No dictator, no white man can hold an imprisoned population by force of arms forever. There is no greater power in the universe than the need for freedom. Against that power, governments and tyrants and armies cannot stand.” But for one more century, they do.
  • 2064: A Civil Rights Act passes, much like that of 1964 in a different world. Jefferson Lee, Grand Dragon of Citizens Against Ethnic Perversion, declares the end of civilization. French premier notes the Act puts USA within a fighting distance of the Griefpublic of Lepro-Cannibal Uganda in the One Government’s Freedom Ranking. Mr. Lee resents that, too.

US Civil War averted: slavery wins

  • Fun times will not be had.
  • 1900: 25% of population unfree.
  • 1940: 35% of population unfree; failure of the Compulsory Sterilization Act.
  • 1948: 40% of population unfree; failure of the Mobile Act, trying to restrict hereditary slavery to children of two slave parents.
  • 1950: Senator Joseph McCarthy brandishes a paper: “I have in my a hand a paper — a paper containing the names of 207 escaped slaves working illegally in the State Department, posing as free men —” An “escaped slave” is, by legal and colloquial definition, someone that ought to be a slave but isn’t; no actual prior enslavement or even awareness of one’s unfree ancestry is necessary. (Hit film of the year — the controversial horror classic “I Married An Escaped Slave!”)
  • 1955: A state senator of Alabama outed as having a slave grandmother; flees country. Much rioting. President Russell calls for patience and the National Guard. As the riots go on, and then down, the death (in an Alabama jail) of the slave-loving brothers Kennedy troubles the nation. Unfortunately, one half is troubled by this: “Why didn’t I notice before that of course them Catholics are in league with the Blacks?”
  • 1956: Estes Kefauver elected president; begins investigations into graft and corruption by the Kennedy family and “other agents of the Papal State.” Ex-president Russell opines: “Personally, I have always considered the Irish and South European swarthy type to be a race to its own, a combination of the African and the Slavonic, characterized by low intelligence, low moral standards and Catholicism.”
  • 1969: A race war begins, as foreseen by the brilliant religious visionary and later Lord God of California, Charles Willis Manson. (The Beatles say they had nothing to do with his prophecies, but the suspicion persists, and record sales soar as the cities burn.)

US Civil War averted: abolitionists win

  • There will be much rejoicing.
  • Also seven presidents assassinated by white supremacists; a legacy of the Southern Deconstruction, no doubt. The Deconstruction Era is declared ended by president Hayes; a week later he is shot by an abolitionist.
  • The hunt for abolitionist radicals in the North and for Klannad radicals in the South leaves no-one happy. The Federal Militia surpasses the Internal Revenue Service as the most hated branch of government in around 1880.
  • 1882: President Grover Cleveland disbands the Congress after his attempt at repealing the Third Amendment fails. Subsequently, troops are quartered. Those that protest are… drawn and quartered.
  • 1889: A massive popular revolt against the embattled third presidency of Grover “Red Hands” Cleveland, aka “Caligula” Cleveland; C. flees to France and then to Russia to avoid a trial over the Philadelphia and Mobile massacres. The new government of United Independent States of America is miffed, but hunting for the Groverists distracts it from a civil war.
  • 1914: The First World War begins; eventually, 34 of 55 UISA states join it. 12 support the Allies, 5 the Central Powers. Alabama supports just the Ottoman Empire, “our brave Abrahamic brothers”, following a spat with the dirty German-loving creeps of Northwest Alabama. The remaining 17 states declare they’re following a policy of “Muscular Neutrality” to create a “Buffer Zone for Peace”, and invade Canada.

US Civil War stopped by alien invasion

  • 1864: Coats gray and blue discover their shared humanity fighting the tentacular foe, then unite in putting down the black foe. (Inauguration speech, Pres. Stuart: “If this past war has taught us anything, it is this: we are all equal before our Lord God, arrayed in a decent society, in a pattern of decency that must hold, lest forces devilish and inhuman consume us all. To upset our world order would be to fall prey forces cold, ruthless and inhuman, waiting to enslave us all. The rampart of democracy stands on the pyramid of orderly society.” Then as an aside, to dazzled reporters: “That’s what Lincoln didn’t see, the little fixated bigot!”)
  • 1870: The aliens conquer France. There is much sniggering in Washington.
  • 1903: The Second French Revolution — “Liberte! Fraternite! Xenophobie!” — rises, and reaches its peak with the brave Dutch-German-Swiss Wright brothers piloting their way up to the alien mothership, and killing the Alien Overlord… after which they declare themselves Lords Paramount of All Earth.
  • 1904: The Wright-American War lasts three hours; ends with Washington a hole in the ground.
  • 1944: The World Revolution expels the aging Wrightian Tyrants from the surface; they pilot their ship, and their remaining cybernetically controlled flunkies, to Mars and settle it.
  • 1945: Orville Wright dies in a tragical spacesuit-related misunderstanding (“We’re on the bloody surface aren’t we? Open the door!”); Wilbur Wright is consumed by thirst for revenge.
  • 1967: The global Summer of Love — following the establishment of the One World Government, capital Kittenville (formerly London) — is rudely interrupted by the arrival of the six-hundred-feet-tall cyborg Wilbur Wright, who touches down at Kitty Hawk and proceeds to terrorise the surrounding countryside until met and shot dead by the Texan lawman Lyndon B. Johnson.
  • 1970: The Earth-Mars War begins, and goes on; Johnson, widely criticized as too lenient, resigns as Lord Supreme Warleader of Earth soon after: “Hey, hey, LBJ, how many Martians didja kill today?”

US Civil War stopped by invasion of Russian zombie were-bears from Alaska

  • 2011: Michael Bay is an award-winning director of historical documentaries.

* * *

Why yes, there’s a Babylon 5 quote up there somewhere. Also, have seen CSA: Confederate States of America and read For Want of A Nail (which Wikipedia calls “a novel”!), and read a pile of Turtledove.

One Response to “Alternate history madness: American Civil War”

  1. Here's more for ya Says:

    Title…

    Saw this posted online and had to repost it……

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