Mealtime blessings

Probabilistic grace

We could be covered in bees
Or running from a cannibal clan
But instead we’ve got foodies, so
Hey! Yay! Let’s be grateful and eat!

* * *

Explicit gratefulness

Great and mysterious forces have brought us together
Just us, our combination, no else, just us [NUMBER],
By higher powers gathered here, to enjoy this fine
[APPETIZER AND MAIN COURSE]
With a glass, as the world is of glass, of [TABLE DRINK],
And to quench our final thirst after the communion is done,
[DESSERT(S)] — so eat, and be grateful!

* * *

Great circle of life

As we eat, so we will be eaten.
As this cow ate grass, as
He or she will be eaten by us,
So one day we will be wormfood,
And the worms will nourish
Some bits of new grass.
As maggots will boil up
From eyesockets of the buried —
So a blessing boils from our hearts.

* * *

Bee in peace

As this lamb was carved up for our place
So you, oh Lord, were served for our grace
As this wine was scrunched from a grape,
So scrunch us, if we your grace forsake;
Let us eat and thank you in holy peace
And if we stray, in Hell eat only bees.
Amen.

* * *

Mess prayer (to be performed blastissimo)

Christians! Tonight we might dine in Hell!
So come get some, you sorry sinners,
For Hell’s meals are sawdust and shit,
Compared to which this is fucking gourmet!

* * *

Thank you everybody

Thanks to the cook sweating to make this meal;
Thanks to the food shop that enabled his whim;
Thanks to the farmer who nurtured life;
Thanks to the shit and fertilizer he used;
Thanks to the sun for enabling photosynthesis,
By which plants like this rutabaga growed,
Or the hay that this ex-cow used to eat;
Thanks to the butcher, his nailgun, and his knife;
Thanks to the pesticide man for this bounty;
(One hopes there is not too much residue)
Or if an organic pesticide was used,
Thanks for this equal bounty, traced with
Pyrethrum, rotenone, copper and sulfur;
Not that I want to preach or anything, but, eh,
We’ll have table talk now, won’t we, greenie;
And thanks to the unequal world system of today,
By which we feast, while millions die of diarrhea,
Or starve, or die of thirst, or of ebola or e-coli.
Be grateful — dig in — amen — that is all.

* * *

Short and sour

As this chicken leg is in my hands,
So we are sinners in the hands of an angry God.
Gnaw justly, and drink deep. Amen.

* * *

Why? Because this article on CNN’s belief-blog annoyed me. I found it sappy.

Or maybe “powers beyond me” is Katia Heller’s way of saying “complex systems of supermarkets, trucks and farms”; can’t get on much of a high horse when I’m so aware I’m just being grumbly.

I just know that if I ever have kids, I will pervert this ritual —

Me: “Kid! Blood for the blood god!”

Kid: “Food for the food god!”

Both: “Mealtime for Khorne and Slaanesh!”

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